Monday, August 2, 2010

Empty Soul

My best friend back home has an Uncle who is a Pastor. It seems that my relationship with God is an off and on Again thing. Lately, I have felt like I need to be back in touch with God, but I am scared of going to a church and not fitting in (bad experiences). So you ask why I mentioned my friends Uncle....

One Sunday he had came in town to preach at his home church as a guest. Every time I hear this man speak I walk away confuzzled yet so much at ease. I know that probably does not make sense but that is the way I leave, I am confused about why I am where I am in my relationship with God yet I feel at peace like he is still there.

There was a potluck after this particular service. He had pulled me aside and asked me if he could talk to me. He looked at me right in the eyes told me that he knew that I was headed for greatness in my life. God speaks to me, but I do not listen. I have too much hurt in my heart and therefor I am closing God off. But, I could and can go great places in my life. I just need to start listening and opening my heart when God speaks to me.

Such an interesting topic for me, I do not speak often of religion. I have met many stereotypical Christians who judge and are hypocritical and have met some wonderful ones. So, I feel it is easier to no talk about religion often, but lately I have felt this void in my heart like something is missing. I have been getting up early on Sunday and watching this pastor on TV but I do not feel like it is enough. I know I need to go to a church.

Once again my issue with this is the hurt in my heart. What if I am not accepted for my different values. Mostly, that is where I have issues in church my views are different then the normal churches views. I was told the other day that I am an agnostic Christian. I have views from Pagan, Buddhism, Humanistic along with Christian views. I do not want to be judged or told that I am going to go to Hell. I believe in my thoughts and ideas that I have. But, I also believe in God. I am scared to step in a Church for fear of being judged. But, I also feel so empty in my Soul. Normally, back in the day I would fill this void with lots of drinking and some green stuff. But, for one I don't want to do that to myself. I know I need to work through this the right way. Two, that does nothing but cover up the emptiness for it to just be worse when I sober up.

Sorry, about the rambling and way off topic thing I just needed to rant and work through my thoughts.

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