Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Changes O The Changes

If you have been following my blog for awhile, you would know that this blog started out about changing me on the inside. One of those things was the weight. But, the biggest thing I wanted to work on was the emotional part. I came to realize that is what has always been my weakest thing with my weight loss. This has turned more into a weight loss blog as I have noticed the weight drop. Today, however I need to turn back to the emotional. If you have followed there was a blog earlier about my life where I mentioned that I used to cut. Cutting is an addiction it takes a lot to stop and continue to not cut. It is like alcoholism or even an eating addiction. You think you have it taken care of it, you don't have to worry about it again. It then creeps up on you one day and its all you can think about. Last night and today have been like that. All of a sudden last night I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel that brief pain, I wanted to see that blood drip down.
Did you know?

Lonely tears of sew lips,
A sorrow so devastating that kills,
Grieving your own death,
Of the heart that bleed to extinction…

The unspoken words and feeling,
Bring nothing but hopeless and loneliness,
Hidden inside the mask of fakeness,
To control a break down that you will regret…

There is a vacant vessel in me,
The soul is too damage to breath,
When everything seems to disappear,
Did you know? You are not alone. 
That is a poem I found on a blog and here is another one.
Tick, tock,
The clock goes -
And drip, drip,
Blood falls -
As if to keep time.
But soon the blood clots -
The pain dulls -
And I curl up like a ball,
And nobody knew.
I do not have a gift of words, I feel like these put my feelings into words. I can not find the the blogs that I found them on, so I can not give the authors their rightful acknowledgments.

There is one thing that I have found positive from this entire thing. I normally eat and eat when I am depressed and sad. This time has been very different. I do not feel the need to eat and eat. I ate single servings of everything. I ate nothing that I shouldn't of.


  1. I use to cut. I understand the draw and addictive feeling. For me, depression puts me into a void, now I know how to deal with it. But when I was younger, I didn't. And by cutting I was able to actually feel something. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Even though I'm a stranger, I'm here for you, you are not alone!


  2. What a huge struggle to try to overcome. Let alone deal with losing weight. Big hug.