Monday, February 22, 2010

That's What I am Here For..... NOT

My room mate tells me thank you all the time. I cook dinner I clean the house. He tells me thank you and my response is that's what I am here for. He tells me no your not Jamie. I fix people and things that's why I am a psych major that's why I work with autistic kids I fix people. The problem with this is I am not being selfish and fixing myself. I think Jillian from the biggest looser says it best its OK to be selfish. I need to be selfish in order to help myself and be there for the people that I want to fix. I work with kids and realize I can't run up the stairs or wrestle with them with out getting out of breath. I need to be selfish, but the whole thing with being selfish it means I have to love myself. Which I am so NOT in love with myself. Ms. Hay's says on Page 54 If you believe it, it seems true. What we say to ourselves seems to be the truth. I tell myself that is what I am here for and that is not the case. I move to Wisconsin to better myself and find where I need to be in life, but once again I am taking care of others before myself. My new thought is I am selfish and that's OK I need to be in order to make me better!
She compares changing to cleaning a turkey pan after Thanksgiving. You let the pan soak for a bit and then you start scraping all the burnt stuff off the pan, but the pan starts to look worse with all the stuff floating at the top. IF you keep scrubbing eventually you will have what looks like a brand new pan. I totally understand this. I have let myself soak for a bit and now I am starting to scrub and am looking at all those negative thoughts just floating on top. I am gonna feel like shit for a few days as I take mental inventory of these thoughts floating, but it will help me in the long run.
She has an exercise on page 64. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are willing to change and notice your reaction. I am resistant to this... I am scared to change, because I am scared of the failure that may come. It takes a lot to change and it takes continuous work. I am scared that I am going to fail and always be the same person. She says to go back to the mirror and touch your throat ( the throat is a place of energy where change takes place.) Tell yourself you are going to release all resistance. I will I am going to release all the resistance I have to loosing the weight, to standing up for myself against others and myself.

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