Mental work is like cleaning a house (metaphor Louise used). You have your rooms that you truly care about and you polish and dust and spend extra time on those rooms. Then you have your rooms where its picked up but not quite shining like it could. Thoughts need to be cleaned; you need to shine the thoughts that you love and keep them up and some need to be thrown out like old newspapers and yesterdays trash. The thing with housecleaning is you have to be willing to do it willing to get up and do the work and make those changes. Say to yourself "I am willing to change." Yesterday, when I read I decided that I was going to ride my bike and this was a good thing because every time I ride my bike I find a reason to quit, but yesterday that wasn't the case. How can one quit doing something they need to do if they are reading that they need to release the resistance to change something negative. When your asked to figure out why the resistance to that change. I said on my first blog that this isn't a weight loss blog, but we need to be honest folks that is my biggest issue. I get emotional I eat, I get bored I eat, I start remembering my child hood I eat. The last few days where those burnt on things from the bottom of the turkey pan was floating on top of the water ( see earlier post.) I have been examining them and I tell you it makes me want to eat, but I haven't I have been exploring them talking them out to myself and my friends who are truly there to help me. Where was I going with this? O Yes not a weight loss blog. So my weight has always been up even as a child I had the chipmunk cheeks. You can look at my toddler pictures and I was the cute chubby girl, that grew into the overweight child. To the overweight teenager and then the obese adult. I would loose a 100 pounds and then start freaking out this isn't the person who I knew. Where is my security blanket (the fat)????? What is going to make me feel safe and secure and use as a reason for not finding a man??? O wait that man that scares me on his own! All through my childhood I was made fun of by boys. I had boys that were friends but Heaven forbid I want more. I was the tom boy who played the boy games who ran around with the boys who the boys came to for help with their GF's. You hear men always say they were the girls friend never the boyfriend. Well that was me in reverse. When I finally found a guy I thought worthy of loosing my virginity too I realized shortly after that he wasn't the man I thought he was, but at first I thought maybe that's what I deserved. I deserved the mental abuse, I deserved the physical abuse, I deserved to be beat on a daily basis if things weren't the way he wanted. Then I let the outside world back in my friends came slowly back into my life along with my family I realized that is not what I deserved! I went home for Christmas and my father saw how unhappy I was and told me I could go home. I went home went back to school and eventually got my bachelors degree. I was raped as a child by my brothers friends and I think through that experience I was made to feel that men were scum and I ate through my feelings. I think now that men don't go after BBW's and if I am fat then I can protect myself from relationships. As I write this I realize it's not the fat that is keeping them at bay its how I carry myself. Since I moved to Wisconsin I have had so many people tell me to smile I look unhappy. It's not the fat that is making them stay away it is the fact that I am unhappy and carry myself that way! I do not need this security blanket I deserve a decent man and I deserve to be happy. There are two things I wrote on my mirror (You should see them I might have to buy some more I am running out of room because of all these quotes that I want to remember every day!) They were:
Your mind is a tool, you can choose to use it any way you wish
The second is a bit longer, but so worth it.
I am willing to release the need to be unworthy. I am worthy of the very best in life, and I now lovingly allow myself to accept it. As I spend a few days doing this affirmation over and over, my outer effect pattern of procrastination will automatically begin to fade. As I internally create a pattern of self-worth, then I no longer have the need to delay my good.