When I was in High School my father offered me a dollar for every pound I lost. I was joking with him the other day on the phone. I asked him member that deal you made well I want money for all the attempts I have made and failed. He asked how much he would owe me if he did agree. I thought about it I told him 250 dollars right now. I think about that if I had just done that when he was offered he would of only owed me about 70 dollars. I can't believe what I have done to myself. Take if off put it back on. He told me he knew it was hard to loose weight and to keep it off but, why would I keep doing that to myself. I told him straight up. I did not love myself. I did not think I was worth the mens looks or the praise or worth the smaller clothes. He told me he did not understand how I could think about myself that way. I could not bring myself to tell him that being called stupid, fat and ugly through out my child hood would affect my self esteem. Or that my brother let his friends touch me. So now I feel almost scared of men getting to close to me. I just could not bring myself to do that.
Today, while I feel like I do deserve it, I do deserve to be happy, I do deserve to be thin, I do deserve to enjoy my life. I still have moments where I feel like I am not worth it. Like on Friday, I did not watch what I ate. I had a much better day yesterday, I realized that as crappy as I ate on Friday, I don't deserve to not be happy with myself, I do not enjoy waking up with the carb hang over I had on Saturday.
I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, I DESERVE TO BE LOVED ( BY OTHERS AND MYSELF), I DESERVE TO KNOW THIS!
Yesterday was a much better day eating wise.
B: Oatmeal, with apple sauce protein powder, and soy milk
L: 1 zucchini, 5 mushrooms, 1 SM potato, 1/2 an onion, tossed in a Italian marinade
D: 2 pieces of chicken ( strip size) and one sweet potato, Both tossed in a wheat free coating and fried in a light oil
Drinks: 120 ounces of water, 30 ounces of unsweetened chai tea
Today:
B: Same as yesterday but added egg whites and made into a pancake
L: 1 zucchini, 1/4 bag of asparagus stir fry
D: Gluten free wrap with chicken and spinach
Drinks 100 ounces of water 20 ounces unsweetened green tea
you do deserve to be happy.
ReplyDeleteknow that investing in yourself - having self-worth - is important and that you are worth investing into yourself.
You definitely deserve to be happy and loved!!!! We're lucky that we're doing this now and not waiting until we're a lot older... We can be hot!
ReplyDeleteJamie- You do deserve it. Those things are deeply rooted emotional hurts in your life. Have you ever talked to someone about it? I bet you could benefit from just talking to someone about your brother's friends, self esteem, and it seems fear. (Sorry this is my Psych background talking.) Sometimes getting it all out and realizing how that's affecting you now can help with how you see yourself now.
ReplyDeleteTraci thanks I have a psych background too. I went to a counselor in high school but it seems that as soon as i felt better for a little bit (not as significantly depressed) I was sent on my way.
ReplyDeleteJaimie, print out this post (or just the bolded sentence at the end) and put it somewhere you can see it when you need to. We all have those moments where we feel we don't deserve the good...you have written a wonderful reminder of the fact that you DO.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!