Healing The Fat from the Inside Out!

Fridays Weigh in

2010-12-11T17:12:00.000-08:00

I weighed in at 307.7 that is down 12.3 pounds this week. I am excited about the loss. Today has been a good day it has snowed 6.6 inches so far today more expected WHY DID I MOVE HERE? I thought the transition to medifast would be hard it has not really been hard except for the mental. It has been hard mentally not eating when I get upset or just am bored. I haven't been hungry except one day this week. Tonight, I am actually so stuffed I am going to skip my after dinner snack. I know I am not supposed to skip my meals, but I am not hungry at all and it has been 3 hours since my supper we will see later if I am hungry at this point I am not.

WHAT I OVER ATE!?!

2010-12-09T08:40:00.001-08:00

Oh my goodness I never thought that this would happen this morning I got up and I wanted something different then my normal shake for breakfast. However, right now I feel like I ate a cow way over stuffed and it is 2 hours from when I finished eating. I should be eating soon. I just am so not hungry right now. I am shocked I feel this way. What did I eat? I ate medifast eggs, 1/4 cup of mushrooms, 1/4 of bell pepper. That is all that I ate and I feel so stuffed right now. I am just in shock. I think the rest of todays meals will look like this.
mid morning:medifast oatmeal
Lunch: chicken and wild rice soup
Snack: Carmel crunch bar
Dinner: Sweet and spicy chicken with cauliflower rice.
After Snack: Chocolate pudding
I am still down 12 pounds have not lost anything in the last 2 days but I am going to be excited over 12 pounds in a week!

Injury and medifast

2010-12-07T12:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday a client at work got mad and went to punch me in the face in the end hitting my hand I don't know why I have this thing where I need to protect my face heaven forbid he hit my face seriously flying fist at head you protect yourself. But in the end he did damage to my hand soft tissue and possibly tendon damage. I was told it would heal in a week but right now it hurts even typing this is annoying my hand.
Medifast is going well no cheating have lost 12 pounds since Friday. There is a few moments here and there that I feel hungry but I just drink more water. I am just done with this weight and this program is pretty much fool proof. I hope everyone is having a better week then I am.

The Weekend!

2010-12-05T17:36:00.000-08:00

It has been a great weekend. I have stayed on plan and when I weighed after getting up today I had lost 7 pounds!
It has been a learning experience for me not to eat when I feel bored or tired. It got to be very hard last night not to snack, because I was just bored. I just thought I would check in with you guys. I will write something more when it is my day off have a great night!

I am back!

2010-12-01T06:04:00.001-08:00

So a lot of things have been happening in the 4 months.
I have moved to an apartment. I have been off plan gaining almost all of it back.Finally, made some new friends in the area from my new job which is now full time. I ordered Medifast after seeing all of the changes Lynn has made I wanted to give it a try. I know my problem with gaining the weight back is the fact that my second job went full time I work 7 days on 7 days off 80 hour weeks, while keeping my other job. Plus, I am picking up shifts. So some of my weeks are 120 hour weeks. I do a lot of eating out. I know that with the prepackaged food it should be easier. I promise to keep you guys more updated.
UPDATE:
I ordered kymaro's jeans and the body shaper. I really like the body shaper it does work not as well as they say but it still sucks it in. However, the jeans they say to order a size smaller then what you are. My jeans are a 26 and I bought a 24 and they do not fit even with the shapers underneath. I am not going to get rid of them because I start medifast at the end of the week. ~~Hopefully,~~ I will fit in them soon!

Question for all of you out there in Blog Land

2010-08-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

So tired So tired. I do well all day with eating and then I work an over night or all of a sudden the exhaustion hits me. My eating is shot I can't seem to control the eating once that happens. I have been working out every day except today because I needed to get home and catch some ZZZ's before I worked tonight. I have to go tomorrow and finish a training class. I will work out after the class. I know how I am if I miss more then one day in a row then I keep thinking up excuses not to go. So, therefor I do not get breaks like I would like because I know how my thinking goes. But, what do you guys do when your so tired but can not sleep to keep your eating on plan??

The good!

2010-08-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

I realized lately I have been whining a lot not talking about the good in my life I need to remind myself of the good going on in my life.
1. I not only have 1 job, but 2
2. I made my last lasik eye payment
3. I have started working out again
4. My eating has been on plan for 2 days
5. I have an awesome family who loves and cares about me
6. Jimmy is awesome and better then I could of asked for in a room mate
7. I started going to church again

Life is going good. I am enjoying myself, tired but I know that I am doing good. Just need to keep trucking along.

Yes, its been awhile

2010-08-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

I know I know I have been around reading blogs here and there but not much on the blogging lately. I have been working so much. Last week was 92 hours this week 84. I joined a gym this week. I worked out once, but I haven't slept in the last 2 days so any extra time right now I have been catching in an hour of sleep here and there. For instance Wed I worked 7:15-5:15 slept from 5:15-9:30 and then worked 10-7:15 drove 45 minutes and worked until noon drove home and slept from 12:45-2:30 worked until 5:15 and then came home and slept until 10. I was actually late because I my alarm did not go off.

I am thinking about trying a version of the raw food diet. I know I do really well on veggies I loose weight really fast. I did very well yesterday and then the tiredness hit and I blew it along with today. I think I will try again when I catch up on sleep which hopefully will be Friday night. If I get called to work again tomorrow night (the normal girl had gallbladder surgery and hasn't been cleared yet.) I am going to have to say no. I need to sleep before I kill someone. Don't get me wrong I am going to love these pay checks. However, no sleep is not a good thing and with all the driving I do it is dangerous. Have a great rest of your night See ya when I see ya!

Excuses.

2010-08-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

But the doughnut was calling my name.
But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Cookie pieces contain no fat -- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.
Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

These have been my excuses for the last month, not literally but my point is I have been making excuses until my pants were starting to get tight again. I felt like shit. I got on the scale last Thursday and thought to myself You idijit what is wrong with you?? Yes, I quoted Peter and the Star Catchers book. I like the word idijit I mean say it loud it will make you laugh at least it does me. I am almost a week on plan again and 6 pounds down. My pants are fitting better now and I am feeling so much better.
Today, I had a med training from 8:30-3:30 the problem is we were not given a lunch break. I brought my lunch with me but was not given a chance to eat it. Finally, by 2 I asked for a 5 minute break ( the girl next to me was having a nic fit, so I knew it was going to be greatly appreciated.) I ran to the break room scarfed half of my lunch just enough to stave off the hunger pains and ran back. I finished my lunch after work on the way to one of the houses to finish paper work that was not completed all the way a while back. I then came to the coffee shop got a Green Tea and am sitting here writing my blog. I am still hungry but I am going to wait a bit and figure out what I want to eat. I am not sure if I want to cook or not, maybe I will run to Subway and get a salad.

Empty Soul

2010-08-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

My best friend back home has an Uncle who is a Pastor. It seems that my relationship with God is an off and on Again thing. Lately, I have felt like I need to be back in touch with God, but I am scared of going to a church and not fitting in (bad experiences). So you ask why I mentioned my friends Uncle....

One Sunday he had came in town to preach at his home church as a guest. Every time I hear this man speak I walk away confuzzled yet so much at ease. I know that probably does not make sense but that is the way I leave, I am confused about why I am where I am in my relationship with God yet I feel at peace like he is still there.

There was a potluck after this particular service. He had pulled me aside and asked me if he could talk to me. He looked at me right in the eyes told me that he knew that I was headed for greatness in my life. God speaks to me, but I do not listen. I have too much hurt in my heart and therefor I am closing God off. But, I could and can go great places in my life. I just need to start listening and opening my heart when God speaks to me.

Such an interesting topic for me, I do not speak often of religion. I have met many stereotypical Christians who judge and are hypocritical and have met some wonderful ones. So, I feel it is easier to no talk about religion often, but lately I have felt this void in my heart like something is missing. I have been getting up early on Sunday and watching this pastor on TV but I do not feel like it is enough. I know I need to go to a church.

Once again my issue with this is the hurt in my heart. What if I am not accepted for my different values. Mostly, that is where I have issues in church my views are different then the normal churches views. I was told the other day that I am an agnostic Christian. I have views from Pagan, Buddhism, Humanistic along with Christian views. I do not want to be judged or told that I am going to go to Hell. I believe in my thoughts and ideas that I have. But, I also believe in God. I am scared to step in a Church for fear of being judged. But, I also feel so empty in my Soul. Normally, back in the day I would fill this void with lots of drinking and some green stuff. But, for one I don't want to do that to myself. I know I need to work through this the right way. Two, that does nothing but cover up the emptiness for it to just be worse when I sober up.

Sorry, about the rambling and way off topic thing I just needed to rant and work through my thoughts.

gum pimples, house cleaning, and 2 days off

2010-08-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

Yay, finally 2 days off in a row. I took Monday off because I was running a fever with a horrible sore throat. But, that all seems to be clearing up YAY. Yesterday, I cleaned and cleaned, worked up a fablous sweat took me 3 hours and lots of elbow grease.

Today, I cleaned out my car, did laundry and came to the coffee shop. I am back on my diet since Thursdays post. I am back down to 296 lots of water and back on my no gluten diet. I have been eating cheese but cut it down significantly.

I feel so much better now that I am back on my no gluten diet my head does not feel so cloudy and I am just happy to be seeing the number going down on the scale again. I think I needed the break so I was not being so bored. Granted I did maintain up until eh the last week and half. But, seeing that I could gain 5 pounds in a week made me realize that I need to do this I can not maintain eating "normally" So, I need to get back to doing it the right way.

About a year and half a go I had a partial root canal done. I have not had any pain with it whatsoever once in awhile I can feel the cap coming out and I shove it back in. But, right now I am getting like a pimple looking bump on my gum line by the tooth. I pop it and its like popping a huge pimple and then it starts to bleed. It goes away for a week or so and then reappears but smaller. I am not sure what is causing this but I have no insurance I am not sure if I should eat the bill and go back in or not.

Today!

2010-07-29T15:55:00.000-07:00

Today is all that I need to worry about. Not what I did yesterday or the month prior off plan. I do not need to worry about tomorrow or rather or not I will be on Plan! Today, is the only thing I need to worry about. I need to worry about the bills I have now and get those taken care of before I can worry about saving for tomorrow. If I have no money left over after taking care of those bills I do not need to be scratching and feeling deprived because I am worrying about tomorrow. I need to live for today. So, that is what I am doing.
Today I weighed in at 300.00 not a happy sight but I decided that it is the swift kick in the ass I needed. I have been on plan all day. I have been drinking my water for the day. I did a lot of running around with the kids doing upper body work and chasing children. I am not going to do any major cardio because I am still sick and barely talking and it is really hard to breathe.

TODAY IS THE DAY I NEED TO BE WORRIED ABOUT!

Swift kick in the ass please!

2010-07-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

Life around here is just blah! It seems like its winter time in Oregon. Rain and more rain ooo and the tornado like winds knocking everything down that's always fun too. I do not feel like getting up and walking in the rain. I have been cleaning a lot at my other job. Which I guess I can count as some form of movement but not much. My eating has been in the toilet also. I do good all day and then at night if I work late I go and get food. It is ridiculous.

Jimmy's now ex girlfriend and I decided it would be an awesome idea to go get a place together, I do not know whats going on with the foreclosure procedure. She is hating her living situation so I think it would be a good idea. Her and I really get along well. I will keep you guys posted on that.

I need someone to give me a big swift kick in the ass. I guess my father's second heart attack since February should be enough of a reason to drop more weight and fast. So I won't end up like him in another 40 years. He is doing fine. His doctor told him due to his line of work they do not want him working anymore. Which he seems happy about because he has arthritis and can not take medicine for it because it reacts with his heart medicine. So, he spends every day in pain. It worries me because both of his parents did not live past 72 and he will 63 this year.

12 days on 1 day off 12 days on!

2010-07-17T16:59:00.000-07:00

Someone remind me why I chose to take up a second job?? I think I might have to kill myself here. This is insane. I have worked the last 12 days I have Sunday off and then I go another 12! It might end up being more because my lead at the new job quit and someone has to cover her hours. My eating was a little off for the last couple of days eating out and what not. But, today I did good, I brought enough food to eat every 3 hours until 6pm.

This morning I wanted to wear a certain shirt it used to be tight where I had to wear the sweatshirt I bought with it. But, today I realized it was too hot for the sweatshirt so I tried just the shirt and it fit! I don't need an over shirt anymore woohoo!

The new job is going well. It is very boring. The guys just need someone to be here to make sure they get their meds, cook them their meals, do their laundry, and clean. I am bored out of my mind. But, it is easy money til someone has a behavior. Then look out your in trouble.

I did nothing for my birthday, I was so exhausted last night I just wanted to sleep and that is what I did! I slept what a birthday.

It has been awhile

2010-07-12T16:33:00.001-07:00

Sorry people. I am slacking on this, but with the new job and trying to be able to figure out my schedule and just fitting time in for me where I am awake and spending time on me is almost impossible basically I am working 5 days one week and 7 days the next week which is averaging out to about 45-70 hours a week. Depending on which week it is and if I am covering shifts. I am staying steady with the weight 294-297 depending on the day. Eating is on plan, but working out has pretty much been non existent. My birthday is on Friday plans are still up in the air. But, I am hoping to do something.

CRIME!

2010-07-07T16:08:00.000-07:00

I had my car broken into on Tuesday morning. Such a great way to be woken up in the morning is banging on the door from the police at 530am. They got my mp3 player, my gps. I thought they took my check book but I found it. So I closed my account prior to me finding the book. Now, all my money is on hold until the main bank sends me paper work to sign for opening my new book. I have no money for 2 weeks at least. Plus who knows what is going to happen with my direct deposit.

I started my second job working with the disabled adults. I really enjoy it. It is kind of boring because I work half of my shift after they go to bed, but I enjoy the time I spent with the people in my house. I am starting to wonder if I enjoy adults over children. Needless to say I am exhausted today. I just thought I would check in with everyone. Today, has been an off eating day due to no money, but I have been doing pretty well.

Wow It has been a week!

2010-07-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry guys! I just have been feeling like I am running all over the place this week. My sleeping habits have been down the drain this week which has gotten me all messed up during the day. I was waking up every hour and sometimes falling back asleep and other times not so much. I started taking melatonin and it has helped me greatly! My physical went better then expected.
BP: 116/88 (I think thats how the numbers go but those were the numbers)
EYE SIGHT: 20/20 I was able to read the bottom line on both eyes he tried to get me to read the copy right but I couldn't see it.
Naturally my drug test was negative. And my TB test was negative.
I was able to carry boxes of 150 pounds. And lift a life size dummy from wheel chair to bed and back again.

Weigh in I am 294.6 this week. Last week was all over the place I was up to 300 before the weekend hit. I am on the run just wanted to check in with everyone have a safe and happy holiday!

There is a pattern!

2010-06-26T08:56:00.001-07:00

The new hair cut I got yesterday ( she was very upset over the broken hair I had from the kids) It irritates me because its really hard to get into a pony tail!
So, this morning I woke up and I had gained 4 (298.4) pounds from yesterday morning. I had drank my 80 ounces of water. My menu looked like this yesterday:
Egg white omelete (tomato, broccoli, mushroom, bell peppers), 1/2 order of hashbrowns. 2 cups of coffee with 2 creamers and 2 splendas

2 bratwurst

3 oz of polluck, 1/2 cup of baby carrots (1 pat of butter and clove of garlic)

I am not sure why I gained so much over night. Although I look back over the last 3 months of weigh in's my last 2 weeks have always been a low loss or a gain. I am assuming that is when my cycle is supposed to be going on. I woke up this morning filled up my water bottle made breakfast: 1/2 cup of oats, 2 Tb almond milk, 2 egg whites to make a pancake, 1 Tb of peanut butter and 5 strawberries. Did a half hour pilates with my swiss ball. Came to the library to email my boss. When I am done I am heading out for a walk around the river (3.36 miles).

The rest of the menu for the day will look like this
Spinach salad ( 3 oz crab meat, mushrooms, green onions, 1 Tablespoon of dressing)
3 oz ground turkey with zucchini, mushrooms, onion

C25k, Clothes, Grocery shopping

2010-06-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

So this morning I decided to attempt the C25k again. I managed 15 minutes of it with jogging every time it prompted slowly but I did. Some times I had to close my eyes and focus on my breathing to get through it. I realized I need to get a second knee brace. I have dislocated both of my knees more then 3 times ( I have lost count) I wear a knee brace on my right knee because I injured it a while ago at work. I realized every time my foot landed while running (like a snail) I was mentally waiting for it to give out or dislocate. So I think maybe if I wrap it or brace it I will not feel like that mentally. Mind you I am the woman who was told by her doctors at the age of 17 that I will be lucky to walk with out pain in a few years. Because my knee caps are too small for my femur. So, the fact that I am jogging virtually pain free is a miracle!

I went shopping. I got a belt 2 pairs of capris, and 3 shirts. The 20/22 belt fit but still a little snug on the first notch so I got a 24/26. My pants are now 24's the 22's buttoned but were way to uncomfortable. I fit into an 18/20 shirt but they are a little snug and the 22/24 felt better on me.

I went grocery shopping yay! But, I have to tell you that as I unloaded my groceries this morning, I realize that I am getting a little mundane with my food choice, I am gonna have to do some research and find new items!

I am still bloated from TOM and gained a pound even though my eating and working out has been on plan. I think I won't make it to the next decade. But, I am OK with that because I know that I have done everything that I can to loose the weight. It is just mother nature taking its course.

Scared

2010-06-24T16:37:00.001-07:00

So I got a call from the company that I interviewed for at the begining of the month. I was hired on account of the fact that I pass a physical exam. I am kind of scared. What if I am told I am too fat for this job? What if I am told that I am not in good enough shape for this job? I feel better about it now that I have lost 38 pounds and I am lifting children every day. I think that is one thing that I am blessed with I have always been strong. On one of my message boards there were women all about my weight who were commenting on how they wish they could bathe by themselves, wipe themselves, and tie their shoes. I know there might be other physical issues other then obesity. But, I am glad that I have the capability to still accomplish those things and much more. My friend calls me her boygirl. Before she was married to a man who would do these things ( even married to a man who wouldn't) She would call me to come move things for her. If something was too heavy, if she needed help moving she called me. I grew up on a farm. I helped do the yard work. I guess muscle strength was always OK with me. It was cardio that was my issue.

Today, I was working with a client he was riding his bike. I asked him if he wanted to race back to the car. He said yes. So I ran as hard as I could until he stopped when his sister started crying because she couldn't keep up with us (she was on a scooter). Then we started again and I was walking. He asked me if we could race again and I said yes, I was breathing hard, but I said YES! Off, I went again as hard as I could. We stopped about 500 ft later he was distracted. We sat for a minute waited for his mom for a bit. And I asked him if he wanted to finish racing to the car. For better part of 2 minutes I think I ran. In flip flops. So, now I ask myself why can't I do a C25k?? Simple I tell myself I can't do it. I know I can! I need Jillian or someone like her screaming at me. Telling me I can and I have too! Mind over matter!

Questions?!?!

What should I expect during my physical?
What are you proud that you can accomplish?
Do you tell yourself you can't do something?

Weekly Weigh In

2010-06-23T16:14:00.001-07:00

I was at 293.6 this morning that is a 2.8 pound loss this week. It is the TOM for me. TOM comes at random times for me I have an IUD and TOM does not come when I am not eating healthy such as wheat items. But, you give me a few weeks of clean eating and it randomly comes and goes as it pleases. Which is normal for TOM when you have an IUD in but, I for some reason the cramps are way worse for me with the IUD in. So, I am not enjoying today along with this headache I am experiencing.

I have a question, The heat has been in the 80's and 90's with a 89% humidity for me its completely different then the Oregon summer. My room mate says it is good time to work out because you sweat more. I personally just feel pooped out faster and do not want to continue. What do you guys do when it gets like that? Do you agree with Jimmy??

Rett Syndrome: Clint Black PSA

2010-06-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

My second cousin has this disease please go vote @ pepsi for grants

The Next Decade!

2010-06-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

So Katy said she was making a mission to be in the next decade by next week! I have decided to join her I am going to be 289 next Tuesday for the VBL weigh in. That as of right now is a 5 pound loss. I know I can do it I have done it before. Today, I took my client to the park we went to the park where I normally do my walks it takes me about a half hour to walk the path that loops around the park. The mother parked about half way through my trail and we walked while the kids rode their bikes. I ended up power walking with so I could keep up with the children. I was sweating and breathing hard by the time we got to the park. Gave both kids under doggies ( have you tried doing this in in sand???) for about 10-15 minutes. And power walking back to the car. I think today I am going to conquer the hill by my house. I know its good for me so I think I will walk up and down it a few times it will be good for my legs.

On my message board we set goals for ourselves and check in with them once a week my goal was to loose 5 pounds and a 1000 minutes of exercise. I have lost the 5 pounds this month and am at 800 minutes of exercise. I am doing well! I am proud of myself! I do not know if that sounds conceded but every once in awhile I need to remind myself of such so I do not start being negative with myself.

Biggest Loser Contestant Allegations

2010-06-22T10:04:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share this with everyone. While I have watched this show and it does motivate me. I also knew that it is not physically possible and healthy to loose that much weight. I did not realize that they were this bad on that show.

Obese women 4 times more likely to be single mothers!

2010-06-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

One day last week I saw a news story about a study done that stated that heavy woman are 4 times more likely to have children out of wedlock. They were taking comments on the research one woman wrote into the program that says. It is not surprising because fat women are more likely to sleep with anyone they can get no matter the person because they have no self esteem.

Personally, this pissed me off. I sat there mouth wide open. I could not believe someone would comment like that. Or the fact that, that is the statistic! I can kind of understand the fact that most bigger women have low self esteem and do end up sleeping with men to get the love they feel they are not getting. But, I just can't believe that women would care so little for themselves to not protect from that kind of situation. I also do think that we do have some kind of pride and are not just spreading our legs just for anyone! But, really 4x more likely I think that just surprised me.

I am still on plan with my eating and working out. I ended up going to the park I talked about in Saturdays post and walking for a little over an hour. I am on WK1D3 of my sit up challenge. I am 5 above where I should be with sit ups on the last set. Eating has been on plan for the most part. I went out Saturday night. The problem with me going out is I have an issue with drunk munchies. So I made sure I did eat a few chicken tenders ( sauteed) before I went out. But, I had only eaten breakfast that morning and no lunch. So, chips came out that night and I indulged but, I am back down to 294.2 this morning so I am just going to keep trekking. I figure almost 40 pounds in 4 months I am not going to complain!

Numbers

2010-06-19T07:33:00.001-07:00

It is Saturday, I was all set to go hiking. But, Rib Mountain Road is closed for the summer due to contstruction so there goes that. But, I found another place that is actually closer to my house, it looks like flat trails from what I know of the area but on the other hand I will still be out in nature. So, I will go check it out.

7.5 is the numbter of inches I have lost. This week was a much better week for me then last week. I finally measured and I am happy with the results after the bad weight loss I have managed a 7.5 inch lost this month
Bust: 51-49=2 inches
Waist: 47.5-45= 2.5 inches
Hips: 58-55= 3 inches

83 pounds is the weight of a client. One day this week one of my children went in and took out the scale after he went swimming he weighed 83 pounds. You ask why this is important to me ooo because it is. I have to lift this child 3 days a week, swing him around, help him climb trees. This little sometimes likes to be lifted above my head. I thought my muscle defintion on my arms have gotten better and oooo they have. Along with that the pain in my upper body has decreased. I think my muscles are finally becoming strong enough that they don't tire out easily.

26 is the size of my pants. Those pants I bought just 3 weeks ago. Yeah they are too big now. I have to roll them up so they stay where they are supposed too. I need to buy a belt. Maybe, next pay day money allowing. I like them they are actually shorts. I never wear shorts. These are actaully low enough on my legs I don't worry about my scar on my knee showing, or my birth mark that looks like an ugly mole on my lower upper thigh showing.

I have an issue with my legs. I played soccer for 4 years growing up and because all the teams were full I was put on a team with girls older then me. I was awesome at defense. But, the girls always made fun of me for my chicken legs. My upper body is where I keep all my excess weight. So my legs look like chicken legs. After my knee surgery my Physical Therapist couldn't believe how strong my calves were to my quads. Our coach used to make us walk on our toes in order to build the muscle in our calves to prevent spasms. To this day my calves are pretty toned. You can see it when I flex my muscles in my calves. They are no where near where I want them but hey at least I don't have cankles.

200 is the number of the situps I chose to join a challenge for you can see it here . I am on week 1 day 3 right now. I need to remember though that I can take at least a 60 second break rather then trying to kill myself.

I FOUND THE WEIGHT LOSS SECERT

2010-06-17T16:59:00.000-07:00

You ready for this???? Leave all monetary value at home including paper, coin, plastic, and any items worth trading. I brought my food with me and a water bottle that I have filled out through the day. I am hungry yes, I just don't have the means to go buy something I should not be eating.
The last 2 days I have been getting up early enough to go on a walk (only half an hour but eh!) drinking my water like a good little girl. Today I am at 120 ounces of water and its only 7pm. Yesterday, I went on a 40 minute round trip walk with one of my clients on top of my normal walk. I have been working on a 200 sit up competition. So those have also been thrown in. I realized that my line of thought for the last week or so about the VBL is not at all true. I am working on being a healthier and better me. If I join a competition it does not matter. The goal at the end of it is for me to have pushed myself a little further then I would have otherwise. I hate to be saying this, but THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY OR PRIZES THIS IS ABOUT ME!

I THINK YOUR FAT ASS IS SEXY!

2010-06-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

I THINK YOUR FAT ASS IS SEXY! Yes, this is what I was told when I went out on Saturday night no the guy was not joking, we actually exchanged numbers prior to this comment. We were talking and hit it off really well and ended up bar hopping together. When He smacked my ass and told me he thought my FAT ASS was sexy! What the hell. Does he really think that is a remark that I am going to think him for?? I do not think so. Other then that one comment he was constantly telling me how sexy I was and hugging on me. It made me feel special but that one comment has made me wonder if I really should keep on communicating with this man. Or if I should just talk to him about that comment and let him know I do not find it flattering. Any thoughts on this???

So, my eating habits have been horrible. I seem to do this I get into a competition like VBL which I think will be beneficial and its like I think while I am in it OOO I am not going to do well so I might as well just give up now. I need to get that out of my mind. No matter where I rank on the standings it is still better then where I would be if I had given up. SO my weight loss for the week is 0 and my eating is back on track today so I will just take it one day at a time and get it figured out.

I Can!

2010-06-12T10:10:00.001-07:00

Now that I have lost almost 40 pounds I can....
-Cross my legs
-Run with my clients
-Get up off of the floor easier
-Touch my hands behind my back
-Tie my shoes standing up
-Walk 3 miles
-Wear some of my clothes again that I bought on my previous weight loss journey
-Stand for longer then 5 minutes before my knees hurt
-Wear my heels again
-Pull my pants down with out unbuttoning them
-I can go straight down to the floor with out readying myself for the journey by using an item to lower myself down
- Run up and down stairs

CAN

2010-06-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

WHAT AN INSPIRING STORY.....I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay For their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots. But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck. Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in Marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a Wheelchair but also towed ...(tharr be more) Peer into the depthshim 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and Pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars--all in the same day. Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back Mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. On a bike. Makes Taking your son bowling look a little lame, right? And what has Rick done for his father? Not much--except save his life. This love story began in Winchester , Mass. , 43 years ago, when Rick Was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him Brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs. "He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told him And his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. ``Put him in an Institution.'' But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes Followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the Engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was Anything to help the boy communicate. ``No way,'' Dick says he was told. ``There's nothing going on in his brain.'' "Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a Lot was going on in his brain. Rigged up with a computer that allowed Him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his Head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? ``Go Bruins!'' And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the School organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, ``Dad, I want To do that.'' Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described ``porker'' who never ran More than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he Tried. ``Then it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. ``I was sore For two weeks.'' That day changed Rick's life. ``Dad,'' he typed, ``when we were running, It felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!'' And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly Shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon. ``No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a Single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few Years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then They found a way to get into the race Officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the Qualifying time for Boston the following year. Then somebody said, ``Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?'' How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he Was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick Tried. Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii . It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud Getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you Think? Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? ``No way,'' he says. Dick does it purely for ``the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with A cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together. This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best Time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world Record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to Be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the Time. ``No question about it,'' Rick types. ``My dad is the Father of the Century.'' And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a Mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries Was 95% clogged. ``If you hadn't been in such great shape,'' One doctor told him, ``you probably would've died 15 years ago.'' So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life. Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass. , always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day. That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy. ``The thing I'd most like,'' Rick types, ``is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once.''

I found this on Facebook posted by a friend and thought I would share with everyone.

OOO THE PAIN!

2010-06-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

So, now that it has taken me an hour and 45 minutes to catch up on the last 2 days of blogs. I can start writing my own. So for MY official weigh in on Wed I was at 295.4 so that is a loss of 3.4 pounds. I was looking at my schedule as I had written it out and it did not look like that much I mean it looks like I have 3 hours worth of breaks. But, with my job I have to drive to the clients houses so in actuality my day looks like this (yesterday):
Leave @ 7:15 Arrive @ Clients @ 8:00am
Leave Clients @ 11:00 Return home @ 11:30
Leave House @ 12:30 Clients @ 1:00
Leave Clients @ 5:00pm Arrive at Training @ 6
Leave Training @ 7:30 Return home @ 8:15

So it is a long day for me. I had put stuff in a crock pot on Tuesday night to cook when I was at my first clients house and eat at lunch and pack up to go with me to the second clients house and then eat on the way to training. But, I was still hungry. I did not make enough SO, I stopped at Taco Bell. I thought I was going to die. About an hour into my therapy session I started getting severe chest pain and pain up through my neck. It did not have the acid I get when I get acid reflux attacks. I took some deep breathes and prayed that I was not going to collapse of a heart attack at the age of 25. After a while the pain ended up subsiding.

It was nice last night when I got home the whole house was cleaned. It was messy. Some days I feel like I am the mother of these 2 grown men and always clean up after them. I do the dishes, I scrub the bathtub, I scrub floors. So once in awhile I stop cleaning to see if they will do it rarely do they. But, I had planned on doing it today, I do not have to be at work until 4, but Jimmy did it. I felt bad he hasn't been home in a week. When he did come home he came and cleaned up. Although the living room was his mess, papers strewn everywhere. It was a good thing though because I woke up this morning and the pain was back in my knee the spasms and the pain every time I put weight on my foot.

The weirdest interview!

2010-06-08T12:27:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I wrote a blog about how I deserve to be happy. Someone left a post that I need to print it out and post it where I can remind myself on a daily basis. Well I do have it written. I have a lot of quotes written. When I started reading the book in which I named my blog after You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I went and bought window markers and started writing down quotes on my mirrors. Affirmations for me to say to myself. I look at them and remind my self on a daily basis that I do deserve these things.

Last week, I joined a Virtual Biggest Looser competition last week was not the greatest week for me eating but I still managed to loose 3.6 pounds. The weigh in was on Tuesday, so I weighed in at 300 pounds, but after a horrible weekend of eating and drinking and not enough water I had a lot of water retention. So when I weighed in on Wed I was at 298.8 Hopefully I can loose some more before tomorrow weigh in. But, the whole thing got me curious on how much body fat percentage I have lose since I started this journey again. The number is 10.39% I am OK with that in 4 months!

I had a job interview for a second job today. It was the weirdest job interview I have ever had. One lady brought me in my paper work (DMV Check, Background Check, and basic information.) then another lady came in and told me about the job and the company. Such a detailed background that she answered every question I had come up with. We talked about the company that I work for such as how they are ran. And then she said OK, so and so will do your background check and give you a call. Uhhh what your not going to ask about my other jobs. Personality questions. I mean I will be working with disabled adults who can not clearly communicate their needs and wants and if there are issues. You are not going to ask me more questions. It lasted 10 minutes. I once volunteered for Big Brothers Big Sisters the interview there lasted an hour and half with finger printing. I was just VOLUNTEERING for that company. Here they are paying me yet do not put as much effort into it. Hopefully I get it. Tomorrow I will most likely not be around. I have to be at work at 8-11, 1-5, and then drive to a training that is 6-8. It will be a long long day and I am going to be exhausted. So, I hope everyone has a great rest of their Tuesday and a great Wednesday!

I DESERVE....

2010-06-06T10:30:00.001-07:00

When I was in High School my father offered me a dollar for every pound I lost. I was joking with him the other day on the phone. I asked him member that deal you made well I want money for all the attempts I have made and failed. He asked how much he would owe me if he did agree. I thought about it I told him 250 dollars right now. I think about that if I had just done that when he was offered he would of only owed me about 70 dollars. I can't believe what I have done to myself. Take if off put it back on. He told me he knew it was hard to loose weight and to keep it off but, why would I keep doing that to myself. I told him straight up. I did not love myself. I did not think I was worth the mens looks or the praise or worth the smaller clothes. He told me he did not understand how I could think about myself that way. I could not bring myself to tell him that being called stupid, fat and ugly through out my child hood would affect my self esteem. Or that my brother let his friends touch me. So now I feel almost scared of men getting to close to me. I just could not bring myself to do that.

Today, while I feel like I do deserve it, I do deserve to be happy, I do deserve to be thin, I do deserve to enjoy my life. I still have moments where I feel like I am not worth it. Like on Friday, I did not watch what I ate. I had a much better day yesterday, I realized that as crappy as I ate on Friday, I don't deserve to not be happy with myself, I do not enjoy waking up with the carb hang over I had on Saturday.

I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, I DESERVE TO BE LOVED ( BY OTHERS AND MYSELF), I DESERVE TO KNOW THIS!

Yesterday was a much better day eating wise.
B: Oatmeal, with apple sauce protein powder, and soy milk
L: 1 zucchini, 5 mushrooms, 1 SM potato, 1/2 an onion, tossed in a Italian marinade
D: 2 pieces of chicken ( strip size) and one sweet potato, Both tossed in a wheat free coating and fried in a light oil
Drinks: 120 ounces of water, 30 ounces of unsweetened chai tea

Today:
B: Same as yesterday but added egg whites and made into a pancake
L: 1 zucchini, 1/4 bag of asparagus stir fry
D: Gluten free wrap with chicken and spinach
Drinks 100 ounces of water 20 ounces unsweetened green tea

This IS my Day!

2010-06-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, yesterday did not end much better then it started! I got a call that my afternoon shift was canceled! So, there goes 5 hours of work BOO! I went home and made eggs with zucchini, mushrooms, and onions. I got into my book HOST and then I realized it was 10 and I was hungry again. I told myself I was not hungry just bored and got some water. About 11 I realized that the hungry feeling had not passed. I ate chips and salsa! Today, I woke up finished the rest of my book (Yes, 600 pages in 2 days) Ate some oatmeal with soy milk and protein powder and sweetened with apple sauce. Had 30 ounces of water and 30 ounces of unsweetened tea. I worked out for a bit did some core, leg and arm strength training. Grabbed my laptop and headed for the library. I was glad I did I went over to Jack Sh*t's blog I needed that it made me realize I needed to just work on today. While my weight is back up to 300 I know I can manage to get it back down by healthy eating and drinking lots of water. How is your day going??

GROSS MCDONALDS!

2010-06-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

Here is my review for the day MCDONALDS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I am sure you all already know that! Today, did not start out a good day. I was all set to get up at 6am go walk my 3 miles return home, shower and go to work. Yeah well I woke up to the sound of it raining! Not, just a little rain I mean for Heaven's sake I am from Oregon I can handle rain! I mean rain that floods the roads with huge puddles that if not careful when driven through would reek havoc on anyone on the sidewalk who is forced to walk in this horrible mess! So do I get on my stationary bike??? NO I DO NOT! I DETEST THAT THING! It has the audacity to make me go numb in my no no area and I cant stand it. I could be a grown up and duct tape a towel or some other means of cushioning on my seat. But, I choose not to apparently!
So I sat and read Host by Stephanie Myer. I was not sure I was going to like this book at first, but I have gotten into it. It is about these aliens who go to other planets that they feel are too violent and they take over the bodies of the Humans ( in the case of Earth) and there is one Soul whose host would not leave her body. It is about the battle with in the body and the need to survive for both of them. I could of read this while I rode my bike, Nope chose not too. I can just hear my competition in the Virtual Biggest Loser cheering at the fact that I am not doing so hot right now! I went to work, came home and made lunch chicken stuffed with feta, spinach, and onion. But, on my way to the library I decided I was still hungry and went and got 2 McChickens with Cheese no bun! Blah now I have a headache and feel like shit! My head hurts, my stomach is protesting at me! On the plus side it has stopped raining so maybe I will go for my walk in downtown and explore a bit.

Yesterday, I made a comment that I loved myself now. I thought I would expand on that a bit. Before I did not wake up and get ready for work by doing the girl things. I did not wear make up, I ran a brush through my hair but did not bother doing it. But now, I am waking up every morning doing my hair, putting on my make up. Minus today, I have been thinking about what I am putting into my body. I am enjoying the day, enjoying the kids I work with, and the activities I have been doing with them. I am going to bed at a decent hour and not sleeping in when I can (this might change tomorrow or tonight. Even though it is a 4 day work week my kids still need their hours in, so I am still having to put in a 40 hour work week. I am exhausted). I am just enjoying life.

My Goals for this weekend:
Some form of exercise every day
No Fast Food
100 ounces of water (slacking lately)
Laundry
At least 6 rows on my blanket

No internet and Curry Soup!

2010-06-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

Sadly, I lost my internet service. My room mate was paying for it, but decided he did not want to spend the money on it anymore. I will be coming to the library or other various places to get on to keep blogging ( I am now truly addicted). But, I have realized that this is a blessing. When I get up now I go for a walk, rather then read blogs and fine things to waste my time online!

Dinner Last Night
Yesterday, I wanted to make a chicken stew type thing, but it turned into a sweet potato curry, it was delicious!
2 Large Sweet Potatoes
4 chicken breast
1 onion
1/2 bag of mixed frozen veggies
2 cloves of garlic
Piece of ginger about the size of your thumb
Palm full of chili powder
2 TB Soy sauce
1/2 cup of Soy Milk
2 TB flour
Salt and Pepper to taste
3 cups of water
Ms. Dash Italian Seasoning
2 TB Curry Paste
10 mushrooms cut in halfs
In the morning I peeled and cut sweet potatoes threw them in the bottom of my crock pot, added onions ( I cut in 4ths then cut those 4ths into 4ths). Add chicken Add seasoning and thinly sliced garlic, add frozen veggies, mushrooms and water. I started this about 11:45 and it was ready about 7 when I got home.

I then melted some butter in a stock pan and added flour and browned. I added my soy milk and let it thicken and worked out the clumps. I then scooped out my veggies and chicken draining the water as I scooped but you will need some of the water to thin out the sauce. I then drained the rest of the soup in the water and added those to the soup. I added the soy sauce, the curry paste, and chili powder, ginger. The sweet potatoes cooked down and were no longer chunks but added taste and color.

I Love My Self!

2010-06-02T16:25:00.000-07:00

My weigh in is OK I am at 298.8. I was hoping for bigger, but then my horrible weekend happened. But, I tell you if you read in earlier posts that this weekend was great for me emotionally! I walk around with a lot more confidence. My boss mentioned to me today that I just seem so much more happier! I do I have learned that my imperfections are OK and that is not who I am, but my confidence, my love for myself, my independence, my new found love for myself is who I am! I am wearing clothes I would of not worn a year ago even though I was less weight. But, now I am OK with those parts of my body. I have learned to love myself and that is what I wanted from life for a long time for now!

May Stats:
Weight Loss: 15 pounds
Food Days: 23 days
Work Out Days: 16 days

My goal for this month is to up my work out days!

My Sunday!

2010-05-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

So, today I did not get any of my goals done for this weekend I however did go clothes shopping. While I am still in the same size my pants no longer look like I am carrying a load. I dragged my room mates girlfriend down there with me. Yes, the one who made me get in the water last night. I bought a pair of slim leg capris, a white tang top, a pair of black burmda shorts, 2 bras. There was a funny story about the bras I do not know if you have ever been to Lane Bryant (Jimmy thought it was a furniture store!) but, they have a deal where its 25 dollars off a purchase of 100 dollars, 50 dollars off a purchase of 150 dollars. So, my grand total came to 132 dollars. Well, the bras were buy one get one 1/2 off. So, the lady said if you buy another bra then you will be saving money. So, Jenny goes over to the rack picks out my size and says, "She is getting a red one!" Umm OK, she tells me we are building your self confidence getting you out of your box! You need a wild sexy bra!

All of my bras are old and icky. But, I hate shopping for them. I have them measure me almost every time I go in and I get told I am a 48 D or DD. LIARS!!! I said this is a C cup and uhh Its tooo big in the cup. She said well some women their back is broader so their cup size is smaller so lets try a B. Fine but the largest they had was a 44B they gave me an extender. Which to me I think are the most unsexiest things ever. But they fit the cup looked great! So, fine I got the damn bras. We stopped at Jo Ann fabrics and got some extenders so that way I can wear them.

FYI if you go to lane bryant they are having their semi annual sale in June. Buy 2 bras get 2 free. Right now they are giving out coupons for their $25 of a purchase of $50. The lady said it works out about 4 bras for 50 bucks!

Check list for my goals:
Clean car out (done)
Clean room ( done just need to get laundry put away)
Clean Kitchen (done)
Clean living room (done)
All that is left I do believe is my walk! We will see on that right now it is thundering and lightening! I did get in 2 1/2 hours of swimming last night. I refused to touch the bottom because it was like nasty squish in between your toes. So I treaded water and swam a lot.

I Can't Believe I Just Did That!!!!

2010-05-30T02:56:00.000-07:00

Here it is 5:05 in the morning. I have not gone to bed yet. Today, was a horrible day on plan, but it was a good day for me emotionally. I have been paying off a credit card all extra cash has been going to that lately if it is not paid off by September then I will owe the interest for the entire amount charged on it. So, I am hauling butt to get it paid off. But, I am tired of living broke. I bought me a good knee brace, stuff to do my nails, got my car washed, went to the farmers market. Jenny and Jimmy were home when I got home. They invited me to a party I said sure why not. Apparently, one of their High School friends is in the military and invited them to go to a party celebrating our troops (Thank you by the way if you or a family member serve. I truly appreciate the sacrifice made)I did not realize how many pretty boys are in the military. But, the cops were called out because of the live band. So, we left. We went to a bar I had about 5 drinks the entire night I was sober when I did something for the first time ever that took a lot of coaxing. Are you sitting down for this?? It will blow your socks off I know it blew mine off!

I WENT SKINNY DIPPING!!!

There were 7 of us. One of the guys was uber drunk and decided he wanted to go, so he walked down to the water next to the bar and stripped down. Then my room mate Jimmy did the same. Jenny said she was not going to be the only girl jumping in there. She told me I had too. I don't know about you, but if I am sober I won't even have sex with out a shirt on! I can't stand the way I look. I will sleep naked, but not with a guy around shirt always! If I am drunk I do not care. But, I was sober tonight and Jenny coaxed me into it.

Honestly, I saw Jenny and her friend Danny strip down. Danny was wearing granny panties and both were not skinny and had a body that wasn't bad, but there were imperfections. I guess that made think, screw it strip down and get in there. What is the worst that is going to happen. They are adults they will not say anything. You know what the worse thing that happened was being attacked by one of the guys and shoved under the water.

I know some of you are going to read this and think I am crazy, but heres the deal. I hate my body going to the gym I went to the bathroom to change I would not do it int the locker room. So, for me to strip down in front of 6 other I hang out with was something I was not comfortable doing. Jenny told me she was proud of me. I have to say that I am too. I think that if one is to go with others who are not super models it is quite good for the self image.

Food and other Random stuff

2010-05-28T18:01:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I had my oatmeal with protein powder mixed in. My mom gave me protein powder a while back it has 20 grams of protein and 7 grams of fiber in it. I made it with soy milk lots of protein and fiber. Today was pay day which means that its my one allotted eating out day I could of done better but I could of done worse. I had shrimp wrapped in bacon (small shrimp in half piece of bacon about 6) 1/2C. of rice and a cup of moo goo gai pan. Dinner was good I made a pizza tortilla
1 GF tortilla
2 TB of creamy basil sauce
A handful of spinach
3 mushrooms sliced
1/2 sm onion sliced
Sprinkle feta cheese on after it is cooked
Make sure you cut your veggies very thinly. The tortilla will be crispy fast. I ate 2 of these. It was delicious.
Beck Diet Solution
I am already on week 2 of this book. I realized everything so far is stuff I have been doing this time. Other then the cards. I do not eat standing up, I have a mentor rather mentors in all of those in blog land. The next thing on the list is to plan my days and my meals. So here is the deal I hate planners I keep saying I will do them, but I don't follow through so instead I am going to write out my goals for my three day weekend:
Clean my room
Clean the living room
Clean the kitchen
Clean out my car
Walk @ least 6 miles ( My knee is still bothering me so rather I do this all in one trip or through out the weekend not sure)

Pants
So I have an issue I have jeans and the waist is slightly large but they stay up with out much trouble. But I have no ass and it seems to be where I loose the weight first is in my ass and thighs. My pants look like that of those old men who look like they are carrying a load.Does anyone else have this issue and if so what do you do about? Technically my waist is not small enough for a smaller size but my ass sure is!

I need a nap!

2010-05-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

Both of my room mates came home last night drunk at 2:30 stayed up until I got up for work at 6 and on their way out to continue drinking at 6 am when the bars started selling alcohol again! Lets just say it is 12:30 and I have been up for 10 hours already I wanna take a nap *STOMPS FEET AND WHINES* I have worked one shift and have another one to go. I got a call back and have an interview on the 8th for my second job *cross your fingers* I really need the extra money!

Tricia is doing a give away 300 things go check it out here!
O yes, Tony blogged about a comment he got about followers. Calling him an attention Whore. Well I admit it I am an attention whore. I get all excited when my number slowly creeps up it makes me a little moist I wont lie (hehe). But seriously I thought it was funny timing. I was telling my friend that I had 14 followers. We were planning evil things to do with you followers such as create a cult. Make you all gain your weight back so I would be the skinny one! (Yes, I know I am so mean) But it was a good laugh! I just thought it was odd timing. So, unlike Tony I will admit that I am an attention whore so bring me more cult members uhh errr I mean followers please and thank you!

I Want to loose weight because...

2010-05-26T17:16:00.001-07:00

Wow, this is my third blog of the day!!I am taking a page out of Jack Sh*ts book and using note cards, but because it was a project for The Beck Diet Solution. Reasons why we want to loose weight so when we want to eat we can look and remind our selves! so here they are

My passion for cooking

2010-05-26T10:27:00.000-07:00

I love my mom and would love to say I got my passion for cooking from her. But, sadly that is not the case. Growing up dinner almost always waited until my father got home too cook or it was boxed dinners with canned veggies. My Grandmother taught my father how to cook, both used to cook in restaurants and my father cooked in the military. I tease my dad and tell him that he screwed me over as far as men go. I expect my man to be able to cook, clean, do laundry yet still work on cars and outside. Not many men can do that or are willing. But, I digress my passion for cooking when my mom realized I loved to cook and was willing too cook I started cooking for a family of 6 on almost a nightly basis. I think I was about 12 or 13 at the time. I love playing with spices and making up new recipes. Sometimes I fail but other times I succeed. The one thing that I did get from my mother was my lack of patience I hate waiting for food to cook. I hate preparing and waiting forever for food to be done. So one of the recipes I learned from my mother and have kept is her meatloaf burgers. I have adapted them however to go with my current eating style.

1 pound ground turkey
1/4 C of chopped mushrooms
1 sm onion
1/2 C corn meal
1/4 C soy milk
2 TB steak sauce
2 cloves of fresh garlic grated

If the mixture is still too wet add some corn meal.
Add to a hot pan and cook until brown on both sides and cooked through. They are delish and moist!

It's Weigh In Day Already??

2010-05-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

Weigh In!!
Drum Roll Please!!! The magic number today is 301.8 That is a drop of 3 pounds this week!! I was a little concerned because after my injury I have not been working out and in fact I did not work out at all last week except for Tuesday and Sunday.

Beck Diet Solution
The original start of this blog was to read books that help me on the inside and blog through that journey. So, as time goes on I have been picking up books that have been recommended to me by other bloggers or by my friend Nick who started this whole journey. (DAMN YOU NICK! YOU MADE ME GAIN WEIGHT WITH ALL MY INTELLIGENCE! HeHe) Has anyone else read this book? What are your thoughts on it? I am not very far into it right now, but I am a huge fan of the cognitive therapy methods.

My First Award!

2010-05-24T20:27:00.000-07:00

Sam from Believe In Yourself gave me the Beautiful Blogger Award! Thanks Sam!
So the rules of this award is I have to give the award to 7 people and then list 7 things no one knows about me.
1. Lyn from Escape From Obesity. I met Lyn on a message board on AOL. She was always there with encouraging words. I started reading her blog a couple of years ago. But, when I fell off the wagon I stopped reading. Her determination to work through all the aspects of weight loss has been inspiring.
2. Julie from The Accidental Fat Chick. I just started following her blog. I love the fact that she is honest about everything going on in life and is still working on her weight loss through all the stress.
3. Tricia from Endurance Isn't Only Physical. Also new to her blog. She is the runner I want to be!
4. Shan from It may take a lifetime. She is going through a rough time and she realizes it. Just that alone is a huge step and I congratulate her on that!
5. Lisa from In Weigh Over my Head. She is brutally honest. I love that about people.
6. Tony from The Anti Jared. I am not sure if this is just a women's award or not. But, look at him he is beautiful! He is an inspiration and has nummy recipes!
7. Mrs. Fatass from Did I Just Eat That Outloud. She makes me laugh and anyone who is willing to call themselves Mrs. Fat Ass is just a beautiful person inside and out!

That was actually quite hard. Most of my blogs I have not been reading for a long time. But it was fun. Ok, on to the 7 things.
1. I am the only one of my friends from High School not married now.
2. I hate frogs
3. I had knee surgery 2 weeks into my senior year of High School
4. I am my father's oldest and my mothers middle.
5. I originally wanted to be a social worker
6. I have never been below 200 pounds ( since start of highschool)
7. My first date after moving to Wisconsin ended up being my room mates ex wives High School Sweet Heart ( we met plentyoffish.com)

I have a question!

2010-05-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

I confess I binged last night I ate 4 servings of heath ice cream last night. It is so hot and I was craving sweets. I went to go make a smoothie but realize I had no berries besides my room mates blue berries GROSS!!!! So needless to say I ate a small container of vanilla heath ice cream. I looked at it and realized I ate 4 servings. But, here is my question before I ate the ice cream I only consumed 839 calories and according to Sparkpeople I should be eating 2100 calories. So I ate 2000 calories yesterday. I have been marking my calendar for days that I eat and work out the way I should. So, since ice cream is not on my plan did I not eat well that day. Or should I look at it since I ate under my calories I did eat on plan????

This G** Damn Knee
So apparently I did mess up my knee pretty bad. It was spasming all day yesterday and giving me pain when I stepped on it. I iced it and put heat on it. I stayed off of it for the most part. I have such issues with my knees I was hoping I would not have any issues with it. I do not have medical insurance. So I will keep off of it as much as I can and keep icing it.

5k!

2010-05-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

So I signed up for a virtual 5k with Tony While I could not donate any money it was a good way to get out and do it. I signed up for it a couple of weeks ago. Thanks Tony because I have been in such a funk that today was the first day since Tuesday that I have been out and worked out other then the normal play and run with the kids. Let me tell you I have never walked so far in 75 degree weather. Ick I looked like a mess and see I even took a pic for you all. I did manage to mess up my knee however it yells at me every time I bend it. I am icing it now. Hopefully, its nothing to lasting.

Quotes GALORE

2010-05-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

If you know me well you would know that I am a quote person. I post them on my facebook all the time. So I thought I would share some with you. These first few are a comboination of my friend Nick and Louise Hay. At this point they are written on my mirror to remind me daily so I am not sure who is whose.

~Change your mind change your life~
~ Your mind is a tool, you can choose to use any way to wish~
~Trying leaves room for failure~
~Don't try just do it~
~Discomfort is a place of change~
~It's never too late, you're never too old, you're never too sick, to start again from scratch." Bishnu Ghosh, Bikram Yoga Teacher~
~ Keep your face in the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow Helen Keller~

I think that last one is so true. It really hits home. If we have the power to make the wish. Then we can have the power to work on that wish.

I was kidnapped and forced to drink!

2010-05-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

I WAS KIDNAPPED AND FORCED TO DRINK!
OK, really I was I promise! My room mates girlfriend wanted me to go with her to get her nails done yesterday. So we went I had fun with her guy friend making fun of her for the face that she wastes 40 bucks a month on nails. Then we went to Chinese buffet. I did OK there. I over ate, but I ate nothing fried, or battered, nothing in oily sauce. She then informed me I was being kidnapped after work to go to a candle light party. So, we went and my room mate met up with a friend and went to a bar. I snacked on chips, rye bread, spinach dip, sausage. Not as bad as I normally would of done. I drank water instead of soda. We then went to the bar. I had 5 screwdrivers and a shot of Jose ( he is my friend.) When I got to the bar the bartender asked me what I was going to drink and I told her that I was good. But, my room mates like Jamie just freaken get a drink! So, I gave in and they just kept coming. I did stop earlier then everyone else drinking and had 5 glasses of water.I always get the drunk munchies but, I did not eat anything I came home and went to bed when they ate frozen pizza.

Why I Do This Here
Jack Sh*t is doing a blog series on why bloggers are here and why they are traveling on their individual journeys. One of them said " I have been beaten, abused, and molested. I did not live through that to die from this ( and an arrow showing her stomach).
I felt my heart jump a little when I read that. Because that is the case with me. Look at all that I have survived. (You can find my story here.) I did not survive through this so I could have a heart attack at an early age and die. I am better then what I have given myself credit for. I will succeed at this!

Weekly Weigh In

2010-05-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, I was so pissed off this morning when I got on that scale on Tuesday I weighed in at 301.6 I was so excited almost at 30 pounds I was looking forward to telling my blog friends that I was down 29.4 pounds. I haven't been working out like I should be but my diet has been on track nothing that I shouldn't be eating. In fact I have been eating less. But, today I weighed in at 304.8 it is still a loss but not much of a loss. I think I know why. When I get depressed my stomach decides to stop working. I have always had a problem with ummm being backed up. I used to have horrid stomach pains as a child and the doctor would do X-rays. I would be backed up into my stomach. I know not a pretty image but either was that X-rays. This is how my stomach has felt these last few days. So I am sure that has something to do with the weight gain. Today however I need to look at the positives in the last month I have lost 6.5 inches. My pants are too big. I wore an XL shirt yesterday. Last night I chose to go hang out with my room mates girlfriend. She wanted to make dinner and asked me what my room mate like. We decided on pasta went to the store. I had ground turkey and some ground itlian sausage here. She asked me if I wanted the heathly pasta. I told her I am not eating pasta I had spaghetti squash at home. I will eat the sauce over that instead. I did not eat parm cheese on my pasta, I did not eat the yummy smelling garlic bread she had made. Before on my weight loss journeys I would of told myself it's OK it is a rare time you eat pasta. But, I did not!!!

What are your positive for the day???

This Time Around...

2010-05-19T16:33:00.000-07:00

Most every time I get a bout of depression I end up shoving my face, being in active, sleeping all the time. Not wanting to be around people. This time around. I am forcing myself to get the adequate amount of calories, I am not sleeping at all, and still don't want to be around people. In fact there is a hot stranger sitting outside with my room mates girlfriend who I just rather not meet. Due, to my lack of sleep I am really exhausted I have not worked out since Saturday. I wake up feeling tired and go through my day tired force myself not to sleep when I get home from work, hoping I will sleep well at night. It does not work I wake up every 30 minutes to 45 minutes. This morning I woke up way too late. Forgot to weigh in. But I did measure this afternoon when I was on my lunch break:
Bust: 51 inches (-1in)
Waist: 47.5 (-3.5in)
Hips: 58 (-2 in)

I am excited for those numbers! My late afternoon session was not so great. I got bite by a kid who was mad, thanks for the bruise! I hit my head in his play house not once but twice and now have a raging headache. I have eaten today 8 oz soy milk, 1 sc of slimfast, 2 servings of home made crab salad, and 3 servings of raspberry lemonade icee and I am way not hungry. So, we shall see if I end up eating dinner tonight or not.

The Changes O The Changes

2010-05-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

If you have been following my blog for awhile, you would know that this blog started out about changing me on the inside. One of those things was the weight. But, the biggest thing I wanted to work on was the emotional part. I came to realize that is what has always been my weakest thing with my weight loss. This has turned more into a weight loss blog as I have noticed the weight drop. Today, however I need to turn back to the emotional. If you have followed there was a blog earlier about my life where I mentioned that I used to cut. Cutting is an addiction it takes a lot to stop and continue to not cut. It is like alcoholism or even an eating addiction. You think you have it taken care of it, you don't have to worry about it again. It then creeps up on you one day and its all you can think about. Last night and today have been like that. All of a sudden last night I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel that brief pain, I wanted to see that blood drip down.
Did you know?

Lonely tears of sew lips,
A sorrow so devastating that kills,
Grieving your own death,
Of the heart that bleed to extinction…

The unspoken words and feeling,
Bring nothing but hopeless and loneliness,
Hidden inside the mask of fakeness,
To control a break down that you will regret…

There is a vacant vessel in me,
The soul is too damage to breath,
When everything seems to disappear,
Did you know? You are not alone.
That is a poem I found on a blog and here is another one.
Tick, tock,
The clock goes -
And drip, drip,
Blood falls -
As if to keep time.
But soon the blood clots -
The pain dulls -
And I curl up like a ball,
And nobody knew.
I do not have a gift of words, I feel like these put my feelings into words. I can not find the the blogs that I found them on, so I can not give the authors their rightful acknowledgments.

There is one thing that I have found positive from this entire thing. I normally eat and eat when I am depressed and sad. This time has been very different. I do not feel the need to eat and eat. I ate single servings of everything. I ate nothing that I shouldn't of.

What Iike about my body???

2010-05-17T10:29:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm, Good question! Lyn had posted a blog about what she truly likes on her body. She has an awesome tummy specaily after 5 kids and loosing 70 pounds. I want that tummy. I think mine for me is my arms. They don't look like one of a 300 pound woman. I do have some flab, but nothing like I would think a woman at my weight would have. If you look closely you can see a little muscle definition. I really don't do much bicep work. My arms and shoulders hurt at night after picking up kids all day. Some of my kids are near 85 pounds. I am lifting them up off the ground. Some liked to be picked up off the ground and go up over my head. I feel like I get plenty of upper body from that. Tonight is my walk. I told you this therefore I have to do it. I am so happy about my weight so far this week. I think you will be excited too when my weigh in comes. I had some rough eating days. But, I am happy about what I have accomplished!

Lettuce wraps

2010-05-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

I made lettuce wraps they normally call for oyster sauce in the recipe but there is gluten in that so I omitted it Here is my recipe it serves 6.
1/2lb ground turkey
2 small zucchini ( finely grated (I used a microplane.))
1/4C finely grated carrot (microplane)
1 lrg onion
1/2 green bell pepper
1/2 cup of finely chopped mushrooms
1 can of chopped water chestnuts

Sauce:
4 Tb of soy sauce
2 t of freshly grated ginger
2 cloves of garlic grated
1 TB ketchup
1 Pkg of hot mustard
1/2 tsp of hotshot ( blk pepper and red pepper flakes)
4 TB of chicken broth

Brown the turkey when still slightly pink add all of the vegetables. When everything is soft add the sauce and let cook for about 3 more minutes. I mixed a Tablespoon of cornstarch with some cold water and added to thicken the sauce. It really could of used the oyster sauce however I cant have it so I suggest you add some.

Pictures

2010-05-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

I no longer have a camera phone and lost my digital camera when I moved across country. But The top picture was me at 331 ( I think it was taken before I weighed myself at my heighest at 331 and was after some weight loss). The bottom 2 were taken today at 303.6

Collin Raye - She's With Me

2010-05-16T10:14:00.000-07:00

My second cousin has Retts syndrome. It is a disease where a child is born healthy and then between the ages of 18 months and 3 years of age they loose the ability to talk, suck, swallow, walk, sit up, the ability to control their bathroom needs. Every day 24 little girls are born with this disease and 24 boys die in uetro because they can not survive with this disease. This video is about Collin's grand daughter who had something similar to Rett's but they never did diagnose it. My other cousin is doing a fundraiser until the end of the month. If you would like to purchase a Scentsy go to the website and click on the fundraiser for Sierria. It goes for a special needs stroller and a wedge type item that straps her up so she is laying on her side so she will not get bed sores.

Fad Diet BullSht. Hippie BullSht, Holistic BullSh*t

2010-05-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend of mine about a recipe. I asked him to make it but omit the cheese for me. Jokingly told him he can serve me breakfast in bed. It turned into a discussion of my eating habits. I don't know if I have really made it clear here for all of my eating habits.
1. No Gluten
2. No Dairy
3. No Red Meat
4. No HFCS
5. No Sugary Drinks IE pop, juice
He understands the dairy and gluten rules. They make me physically ill. He asked me to explain the others. No red meat; first of all cows are not meant to eat corn, it builds toxins in their system. I have my own toxins thank you very much! He retorted with holistic bullsh*t. Also, if you change from red meat to poultry you make the same impact on the environment as switching from a Camry to a Prius. That is where the Hippie Bullsh*t came in. No HFCS; Princeton performed long-term studies on lab rats that showed that rats that had a daily intake of HFCS gained 46% more weight than rats who had the same amount calorie-wise of sugar each day. They also got more abdominal fat and had higher triglyceride levels. That got me the response of Fad Diet BullSh*t.

His answer is eat less and move more you get skinny. I really wish that worked. I have food allergies that prevent me from just doing that. A lot of times if the animal you are eating is being fed the items you are allergic too it will cause reactions. I am fine with restricting my diet like this. There is always alternatives to things you just have to look and be willing to spend the extra money. Tonight, I binged on Chocolate chip cookies, they were however gluten free, egg free, dairy free. I still ate a whole bag but, I did not go over calories for the day. I also do not feel sick like I would of had I went and polished off a bag of normal chocolate chip cookies.

Weigh In

2010-05-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

I was so scared of a gain because of Aunt Flow... That did not happen this week I lost 2.4 pounds. I am at 305 woohoo. Today was an active day, one of my clients went for a bike ride so I needed to jog to keep up with him, did that for about 5 minutes, before my boss told him he needed to slow down because she couldn't keep up. I then went to another clients house and we wrestled for about half an hour.

I have been walking lately, 7.5 miles this week. I have been taping my feet. Even with the new insoles to stop the foot pain. I still have an issue with getting blisters. So in the interest of my poor feet I have been taping them. Today, was the first time I walked and did not trick myself into finishing. I even managed to power walk the last half of it. I managed it in 52 minutes. I am going to keep track of my walk and keep trying to get better time. At one point I would like to be able to jog the entire way.

Stuffed Mushrooms!

2010-05-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

I made stuffed mushrooms for lunch I have been craving them forever here is my recipe. The recipe says its for 4 servings. But in reality you have 3/4 of your meat mixture left over. I used 2 packages of mushrooms. I ate the whole pan for lunch... I will probably take the meat mixture tomorrow and add some canned chopped tomatoes and eat it over spaghetti squash. If you eat cheese then you can add some shredded parm cheese to the mixture it will stay in the mushroom better. Aunt Flow is in town so I am expecting a gain or no loss tomorrow. I wanted to go for a walk today but it is pouring with 60 mph wind gusts expected so I think I won't be fitting in that walk. I will probably work out on my exercise ball after work. For now though I just want to relax.

A Little Less Talk And A Lot More Action

2010-05-10T18:00:00.000-07:00

YES, I know that is a song about drinking. I am going to leave the lyric changing to Tony, and Jack. But, think your on your walk telling yourself your going to complete your whole 5k track you have mapped out for yourself. But, your feet are screaming your knees are yelling, you haven't been on this long of a walk in forever we quit we are going to make you fall on your ass and then laugh at you when your stuck there! And this song comes on and all you hear is A LITTLE LESS TALK AND A LOT MORE ACTION! OK, forget this is a drinking song, but how much does that fit into the healthy life style? A lot of us inculding me talk and talk about how we are going to eat healthy and work out more but, its just talk! So, I decided its time for a little less talk and a lot more action.

My stragety for this walk was I said to myself make it down to the college and we will talk about you stopping early. So I made it down to the college and walked on to my street. I look up my street and said, O GOD THAT HILL! DON'T MAKE ME GO UP THAT HILL! So, what are my options go up a hill that delivery trucks are not allowed up, Or walk the mile around the hill that I had planned to do! So I walked around. Hey, if I want to be a wimp and not go up that damn hill then I must pay for it by more walking. I know its not logical but, hey it works!

I had a NSV today, there is a chair at one of my clients houses that when I started I had to sit at the edge of because the arms around it my fat ass was too big to sit in it all the way back with out getting stuck. Today I sat all the way back, it was uncomfortable but I managed to sit back in it.

The World's Fastest Workout Video!!!

2010-05-09T11:40:00.000-07:00

What are your thoughts on the quick work outs? I can tell you I tried this and I was out of breathe after 2 minutes... I feel so weak.

Crazy Diets

2010-05-09T09:45:00.000-07:00

I was on AOL today viewing the news. I am bad this is about the only news I partake in and half of it isn't news. But, this headline grabbed my attention: Crazy Diets! OOO I had to go read it. Some of these diets I remember my mother partaking in. But, here they go because some of them are so funny I just had to list them out.
-Morning Banana Diet: 1 or more bananas for breakfast with warm water and then whatever you want for lunch and dinner.
- Cookie Diet: 5 cookies a day and one meal in reality you are eating under 800 calories a day no wonder you loose weight.
- HCG ( I have a friend on this diet): It is a hormone that is injected. This hormone is made out of ...Are you sure your ready for this????... Hormones that are found in pregnant women's urine! It is supposed to curb appetites, but your also only eating 500 calories a day!
- Alternate Day Diet: 1 day you eat whatever you want and how much you want while the next day you eat 200-1000 calories a day. Watch out for the people on the dieting day because I am sure they are crazy. In fact studies show people become more irritable on those days.
- Martha Vineyard Diet: This diet includes days at the spas mud baths, enemas, and a liquid diet.
- Blood Type Diet: Based on your blood type you will either be eating all veggies or mostly meat. The authors of this diet believe that certain blood types need certain kinds of food.
- Coconut: Load up on coconut oil it is supposed to lower your appitite but it also highers your cholesterol levels.
-Facial Analysis Diet: An analysts comes in and determines your food allergies based on your skin texture, hair, and eyes. I think I will stick to the doctor thank you.
- Tart Diet: Drink a mixture of Maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and lemon juice GROSS!
- Cabbage Soup: A veggie soup I can get on board with that, but to eat it for days and only that for days! Of course the weight is going to come back after you eat normal food.
- The No Cardio Diet: Apparently the author of this diet feels that cardio is bad for you. Uhh has he done his research??
- Grapefruit Diet: 1/2 a grapefruit before every meal. I am sure this diet works because you are only eating 800 calories a day.
- Fat Flush Diet: No caffeine, No carbs, No alcohol. you load up on cranberry water mixtures. There is no proof this diet does work.
The main thing I see on all these weird diets is hmm lower calories. So why can't we just lower our calories and work out more. I can tell you why. We are a give me society. We want everything now with little to no effort. America as a society has become lazy and our self will has gone down the drain. We want to be skinny and not have to put the hard work into it. Between surgeries and weight loss drugs, why should we attempt to loose it? I am ok, working on this journey because if I stay on this life style change and succeed then I have become a stronger better person inside and out. I will never end this life style change but, I will have the self confidence because I did it on my own with the help of my blog and message board family.

Ten Ways to Burn Calories

2010-05-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

At the weight of 305 pounds.
Heavy Cleaning (60 minutes): 436
Moderately Playing With Children(60 minutes): 581
Fighting (I don't recommend going and picking a fight with someone) 20 min: 436
Cooking (Who would of thunk it I can burn calories while preparing to eat them!): 363
Moderate Sex: 158 (60 minutes)
Vigrous Sex (how are these classified?): 218 (60 minutes)
Bowling: 436 (60 minutes)
Mosh Pit: 600 (60 minutes)
Crocheting: 130 minutes (60 minutes)
Talk on the phone: 130
Next time my dad says I am keeping him on the phone to long I am gonna tell him I am contributing to his weight loss!

Menu:
Breakfast: Slim fast
Lunch: Spinach salad with crab
Dinner: Tofu stir fry with bok choy.

Hmm maybe I will go burn 130 calories right now!
What are you favorite ways to burn calories?

My Opiate laced milk!

2010-05-07T07:20:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. You see that blog post and you are wondering what on earth I am drinking and for my 4 readers you would know I don't even drink milk! I do eat cheese on occasion though not anymore. I went on a walk until I was rudely interrupted by hail (It is may for heavens sake!) I was listening to Man Cow and he had a comedian who is very healthy and very opinionated on his thoughts on fast food and the additives in food.

This nation is a very heavy society. We put so many things in our food, MSG, sodium, "natural" additives to make the food last longer. We know this but then the guest made a comment that dairy is addictive. There is a chemical naturally in the milk to make it addictive for the calf so they will attach themselves to the Tet. It is still in chemically processed dairy products in fact it is much more concreted. So I decided to come home and research it a little bit and here is what I found.
" The most wholesome cow's milk from organically raised
bovines naturally contains a powerful opiate in the morphine
family called casomorphin. Concentrated milk products
(cheese, ice cream, and milk chocolate) contain increased
quantities of these addictive narcotics.Eighty percent of cow's milk protein is casein. After eating
milk chocolate, casein breaks down in the stomach to produce
a peptide opiate, casomorphine"
No wonder many of us have dairy as a trigger food for binges. I think I will be staying completly away from diary for now on.
You can find the entire article here.

Grocery Shopping YAY

2010-05-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

I was running so low on food yesterday I was not very hungry after work so I ate a pickle for dinner when I did get hungry because I had nothing. I think my problem now that I think about it is I do not buy anything that is quick to cook other then sweet potatoes or zucchini. I bought some stuff to make pad thai it takes 15 minutes. I bought lots of produce today, the lady at the check out stand told me I was testing her knowledge on what produce was and the numbers she needed. The lady behind me was getting a little annoyed. But, sorry I was not eating her processed boxed food she bought. I bought zucchini, sweet potatoes, spinach, ground turkey, turkey sausage, bell peppers, mushrooms, onions, cans of diced tomatoes with oregano, garlic, and one with jalepanos.
One of my recipes I love to do with veggies and sometimes put over spaghetti squash.
Ground turkey
2 zucchini (quartered and then sliced)
1 onion (largely chopped)
5 or 6 mushrooms (sliced)
both cans of tomatoes
bell peppers

I brown the turkey in a pan and in a soup pan I add a few tablespoons of olive oil add in my onions brown, then add the rest of my mushroom. Once all the items are soft but still crunchy I add my brown turkey and and cans of tomatoes. Its full of veggies and filling. Sometimes when I am just craving pizza I will add mozzerella cheese finely shredded and not add the tomatoes with jalepanos.

For the first time in a long time I walked by all of the junk food, chips, ice cream, candy and didn't have to second guess rather or not I wanted it. I just walked by I just said Eh, they don't look good. I was so happy when I walked out of that store cart full of veggies, and lean meats!

Menu:
B: 16 oz soy milk ( there was no almond milk @ walmart)2 scoops of slim fast
Snack: 2 energy bars done by planters
Lunch: I was so hungry I had 2 crab legs. 1 bell pepper, 1 sweet onion, 2 turkey sausages 6 mushrooms.
Dinner: 1 butter nut squash and strawberries.

Chocolate Cake Or Death

2010-05-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

Today, my ex who I am still very close to informed me that he is afraid he has diabetes. So, I said you change how you eat if you are experiencing the blood sugar drops and rises. His reponse to me was, NO WAY, FORGET THAT! He would much rather eat the cake now and have his DR. Pepper and die tomorrow knowing he lived happily today I think his disgusting quote was, " look I think of it this way... I dont wanna die tomorrow knowing I could of had a regular Dr. Pepper today, or a cheese burger, or reeses pb cup. When I die I want the corner to open me up and make the whole room smell like potatoe wedges."

I have never felt like there was a time in my life where I would take death and food over living a long life. But, as I think about it I make that choice a lot. I chose to eat poorly, I chose to eat things I am allergic to. But, if I was ever diagnosed with something as serious as diabetes I think I would really boggle down and do the work. I have lost many family members to the complications of diabetes and I would really rather not have to experience it or put my family members through it. I would hate to loose him to this disease he is still young not even 28 years old. As I write this I am also messaging with him on Yahoo! and told him I was using his quote and his response to me was just for the record I am not fat I am fluffy. And for the record the man is 6'3 and 400 pounds he is fat. But, he chooses to live his life the way he wishes I have no control over it. All I know is that I refuse to live my life like that. He says that he would much rather be happy now and have his chocoalate cake. But, really how happy are you with blood sugars going up and down? What is going to happen when you get older become blind, loose your feet? Who, is going to be there for your kids? Who is going to be there for your nieces and nephews that look up to you? Not you because you won't be able to see them, run and play with them. All I can say is I would much rather watch what I eat now then look back when I am 50 sightless, legless wishing I would have chosen life over chocolate.

And the scale says....

2010-05-05T06:14:00.000-07:00

Luckily there was no crying today! I was happy while I had a horrible week last week. Binge eating, drinking, it was just bad I then spent 3 days sick with no exercise. I think it was my bodies way of saying you B*tch you know your allergic to that sh*t, why the hell are you feeding it to me??? I still managed to loose 1.2 pounds. so down to 307.4! I decided to keep track of the days I am on track so I can see the reasons why I am having issues on certain weeks and if over time there is a pattern. I think for now thats all I have to say so I am going to sign out.

Weekend Warrior and thoughts!

2010-05-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

So my weekend warrior goals I managed 2 of 3 I walked my 5k in 40 minutes, I worked out onthe ball not as long as I wanted to but I have been fighting a migrane. I went to a party last night and I managed to go through the first 5 hours with out smoking but then the alcohol hit me and everyone was smoking. I had three which is much better then normal when I am drinking. I ended up getting a migrane and vomiting. The party was fun it was nice to meet Jimmys friends and put faces to names. Lately, lifes been a little emotional for me I think I have just been in a funk. There is a song I like to listen to when I get in this mood. I used to cut and it kind of helps me put words to how I am feeling when I feel like cutting.

I have not cut since September I dont want to cut. Sometimes you just get this craving I guess its like when and alcoholic wants a drink. You crave it but you try to do something other then drink. For me lately its been crocheting blogging anything to keep my hands busy.

Bad couple of days.

2010-05-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

Its been a bad couple of days eating wise and working out. Thursday I did really well and then I craved chocolates. I did well I waited my 20 minutes I still wanted chocolate so I went to the store and got a dark chocolate bar well 2. I was going to put one in the freezer for another time like this. But, then my room mate wanted me to pick him up chocolate milk ... O I miss cholocate milk. So i got myself a 6 oz bottle. Then at the check stand there were a cup of donuts ( they are mini put into containers a serving is 350 calories.) So I picked those up. I ate them in the car so my room mate wouldn't see me eat them. Then I came home and ate my chocolate bar.

Friday I was doing good. I had pad thai with tofu for lunch. Went to my first shift. I normally walk during my break, but we had a tornado warning. I chickened out and called in for my second shift ( I am so not used to this stuff!) and came home had dinner early. BTW, no tornado so could of worked. Later that night I was sooo hungry. I made a sandwhich (bread bad bad) then I went to return movies I wanted ice cream. I went to culvers and got a raspberry cheesecake concerte blender and a corn dog! Geez woman no wonder I woke up with acid reflux. I only gained .6 pounds so I am going to go for my 5k walk today after I finish reading blogs and drink my slimfast. Hopefully I can come out of the week with a loss!

There is an awesome give away on Tricias blog for a gym in a bag. Go over and check her out!

Eat the Rainbow

2010-04-29T12:34:00.000-07:00

So I read yay for me lol. Today, it talked about eating the rainbow. Which we all know. We need to eat the reds, the purples, the oranges, yellows, greens. We all know we need to eat the rainbow. But, heres my problem no matter how big I am I am a picky eater Lets go through the rainbow. I have an issue with textures.I do not like watermelon its grainy. Peaches are smooshy and just gross and their taste is just funky. Blueberries don't get me started they are a ball of disgusting. Banannas I gag at just the smell of them. I eat greens and lots of them minus brussel sprouts. I have upped a lot of my vegetable intake, I think I am one of the rare people who perfers their vegetables over fruits.

I was reading new blogs and there was a weekend warrior challenge, I know I am one who feels like I slack on the weekends. I want to lay around and not go anywhere. So here is my weekend warrior challenge.
Goal 1:
5k on Saturday.
Goal 2:
Work out ball on Sunday.
Goal 3:
No smoking this weekend

Thanks Brandon for the challenge.

Menu:
Breakfast: 16 ounces of almond milk 1 scoop of strawberry slimfast powder, 1sc of chocolate powder
Lunch: 1 cup of gizzards/hearts, 1 sweet potato
Dinner: bok choy, onion, zucchini, broccoli
30 minute stablilty ball

Almond Vs. Soy Milk

2010-04-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, now that adding pictures side by side has taken me 30 minutes grr. I can actually write my blog. So where was I going with this post?? Oh yeah *picture me smacking myself in the forehead* I was going to write how I went to the store last night to pick up more soy milk for my slimfast shakes. I can do dairy products, but not raw milk. A few years ago I was having issues with IBS like symptons and my natural path doctor suggested it might be a gluten allergy because it is heridatary and my mother has celiac disease. So when I came back the next month he asked how the symptons were. I told him that for the most part gone, but I had flare ups on occassion. SO he suggested I also emlinated dairy. In my head I was throwing a fit like a 2 year old. I wanted to stomp my feet and scream. YOU ARE TAKING AWAY MY BREAD AND MY CHEESE! ARE YOU NUTS! But, I didn't I said ok, and behaved like a good little girl and stopped eating them. But, then I felt so deprived and gave up on all restrictions. The 90 pounds that I had lost has all came back. I am being a good little girl again minus the occasional cheese. And have dropped 30 of it again.

So, back to my story. They were out of soy milk. I am not saying just my kind but, there was unflavored (ICK!) soy milk which I do not like. I live in the dairy state now, why is there no soy milk?? People here make fun of me for drinking it! Fine, I will buy almond milk. If you want to hear the truth I perfer hemp milk, but in this state where my Oregonian hippies have not invaded the grocery stores and force them to carry hippy products there is only one brand of hemp milk which is grainy, and nasty and I am not paying 5 dollars for 20 ounces of grainy substance in milky colored water. So, this morning I decided I was going to look at the differences between almond milk and soy milk to see which one I will continue drinking. They seemed pretty close to the same thing except soy milk has more protien until I found one site. You can decide for yourself what you want to drink. Due, to the length of this post im just going to include the cons of each and give you the link for the entire article.
Almond Milk:
-It is risky for those with low thyroid functions.
-It is an inadequate option for an infant's diet to be replaced with breast milk.
-Deficiency of Iodine results in goiter. Almonds are considered as goitrogens. The chemicals present in them inhibit thyroid function as they interfere with the iodine intake.
Soy Milk:
-Excessive use of soy leads to breast cancer and also other cancers.
-Many brands manufacturing soy milk contain more sugar and chemicals than required.
-Isoflavones from soy milk are held responsible for thyroid disorder, leukemia and breast cancer.
-Phytic acids in soy milk lead to low absorption of vitamins and minerals.
-The high level of phytoestrogen decreases the testesterone in males. The production of sperms is affected.
-Early onset of puberty as well as adolescence in males can be attributed to the phytoestrogen from soy milk.
-In women, soy milk can produce abnormalities in the reproductive tract which can lead to infertility.
-Estrogen in soy milk is harmful for babies.
-Fatigue, fever and wheezing are some of the reactions to soy milk.
-Consumption of soy milk sometimes leads to sudden skin problems like eczema, acne and swelling.
-The toxic aluminum in soy milk affects the nervous system and kidneys.
-Excessive consumption of soy milk generates stomach problems such as abdominal cancer.
-Sometimes, it develops allergies like coughing, sneezing and congestion. Read more on soy milk dangers.
I think I will continue buying almond milk now...

Weigh In

2010-04-28T17:55:00.000-07:00

We all know this... This is why I am here. So why do such honest children feel the need to remind me of this. I know they are autistic, but still makes me feel bad, but all the more motivated to keep on going. Do you know what else motivates me is the fact that I now weigh 308.6 which is a 5.2 pound lost YAY! I am exhuasted tonight, so I just wanted you all to know what this weeks weigh in was and write my menu for the day. Hope you all are having a much more energetic day then I am.

Breakfast:
2 eggs, 1 cup of spinach, 1 slice of bacon, 20 ounce coffee 2 TB of splenda, 2 TB half and half
Lunch: 1 chicken breast, 1 sweet potato, 5 TB half and half, 2 TB splenda, 1 pat of butter
Snack/Dinner: 3 roller bites (2 buffalo ranch, 1 montery jack) 190 calories each.
Snack: 16 ounce almond milk, 2 scoops of slim fast powder

A Boy Likes Me

2010-04-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

How are you doing today?. I saw your profile and it really looks good!. And you really look beautiful and cute with that angelic face and your smile......
There is no way I wont stop by to say *hi*to you......and cute I think you should know...
hey I just thought I drop a few comment on you. Hope I can read from you Soon!. I want you have a Pleasant day ahead!. Keep Smiling.
William

Hi, thanks for the kind words, how are you doing? I hope you have a great rest of your day. O yeah, if you ever feel like droppin a line Iam not on myspace very often. my aol is immedeal84@aol.com, or jamie_17_02@yahoo.com
Jamie

Hey,NO Thanks!!!... Those words was actually made for you alone and they are fact of you!..
I think Is time we Should Have a chat .., So that we can get to know each other better,cos have been looking at your beautiful pics and you're Irresistible. You're really CUTE as you know a book is not Judged by the cover but by the content Inside the book. But I believe you are made up of good qualities with proves from Your smile
Lets chat .....I want to know more about you. Am On Yahoo Messenger...My Yahoo Im is (********@yahoo.com). have added you to my list on yahoo messenger,hope to chat with you soon online

William

I rarely go on myspace anymore, but when I opened my page and saw I had a message from a cute guy my first though was ooo great another porn bot. But, I opened it and read it then browsed his page. HE WAS REAL!!!! A real cute guy messaged me wanted to talk to me. He followed through with it even added me himself to his yahoo acccount. I think that this is the brightest moment in a long time. A cute guy thinks I am pretty! I did not sleep well last night so instead of reading I took an hour nap and just relaxed. So, I will read tonight and write about it tomorrow. I just wanted to share that exchange.

Menu:
Breakfast: Slim fast w/ soy milk
Snack: Protien bar
Snack: Protien Bar
Lunch: 1 russet potato, 1 zucchini, 1 cup of broccoli, 1 chicken breast, 1/4 c mozzerella cheese
Dinner: 2 zucchini, 5 strawberries, 1/8 cup of mozzerella cheese
100 ounces of water

Work out:
mile and half walk with child (moving like a snail), There is a airplane that has a spring underneath it and the little boy wanted me to sit on it go into a squat bring the nose to the ground and then stand up so he shoots back. Did that for 10 minutes. 15 minutes of running and chasing another little boy.

Monday....

2010-04-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

I woke up with a migrane. I spent most of the day trying not to throw up from the pain. I got home had coffee and relaxed a bit then went back to work. I haven't read today, because when I normally read I was more concerned about this headache going away rather then reading. I still feel kind of in a funk, not as bad as yesterday but, just blah. Yesterday I went through Plentoffish.com trying to see if I can find some men worth meeting around here here was the results of the 5 men I messaged... 2 deleted with out reading message, 1 read and deleted, 1 read didn answer, 1 has not read yet. It really makes me feel not pretty and unwanted right now. But, I will work through this!
Menu:
Breakfast: Slim fast w/soy milk
Snack: protien bar
Lunch: 1 tilipia, 1 cup of spinach, 1/4 cup onion, 1/4 cup of mozzerella cheese, 2 TBS of sesame oil, 1 clove of garlic.
Dinner: 1 sweet potato, 1 zucchini, 5 strawberries
Snack: 8 oz of soy milk, 2 scoops of slimfast powder.

A Funk

2010-04-25T19:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterdays menu:
Breakfast: 3 eggs 1 cup of spinach 1 slice of swiss cheese
Lunch: 10 french fries, 4 deep fried cauliflower, 1 cheese curd, 1 pop corn chicken, 1 fried bacon, broccoli, cheese bite, 1 onion ring, 1 beer, 1 blood mary
Snack: Protien bar
Dinner: 1 Wendys grilled go wrap
10 ounce vodka, 20 ounce orange juice

Todays menu:
Pre Breakfast: 1 protien bar (got home at 6 was hungry ate before bed)
Breakfast: slim fast w/soy milk
Lunch: 1 chicken breast 1 sweet potato 3 cloves of garlic
Snack: 2 string cheese
Dinner: 1 head of bok choy, 3/4 onion, 1 cup of broccoli
I don't know if it is lack of sleep or what I only slept 4 hours. But, I just feel blah I don't want to deal with people, I just feel like hiding. Part of me is home sick I miss my girls, I want the nights of sitting back with a bottle of wine and cooking dinner and just chatting. On the plus side today I weighed 308.8 thats 5 pounds since my offical weigh in hopefully it keeps going down by wed. I did not work out today I laid around.

2010-04-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

So last night I went shopping can you guess the price of these items combined?
2 pounds of sweet potatoes
2 heads of bok choy
1 bag of spinach
2 cans of artichoke hearts
1 container of strawberries
1 4 pack of batteries
1 spaghetti squash

The price of these items made me google eyed at the check out aisle. I could of bought 10 hamburger helper dinners and a few pounds of hamburger meat for this price. It really bothers me that it is going to cost so much more money to eat heatlthy then as my friend Will would put it cardboard food full of processed crap! Ok, yes the batteries came to 3 dollars but still. We wonder why America is fat. People are trying to eat on a budget these days myself included. But, I also want to be healthy. So bascially I have to choose between being healthy and having money. It does not bother me that I will be heathly. My room mate told me to stop eating so much and then I will not be so broke. I do not think I eat a lot. I think I eat what a normal person should eat. I don't think that I could eat like him the other day I made dinner Iwas being nice and made dinner for him I made me sweet potatoes, and zucchini, him bacon and eggs. He later said God, I am so hungry. I asked him what he ate that day and he said the eggs and bacon were the only thing. Uh duh hes still hungry. He then went to taco bell and spent 10 dollars. So really who is spending more money? I just do mine in one shot vs eating out spending small quanties. Through this rant and rave I am trying to get to the point that I spent 30 dollars on those veggies!

Menu!

2010-04-23T18:37:00.000-07:00

Breakfast: Slim fast w/soy milk
Snack: Protien bar
Lunch: 2 crab legs, 2 cups of spinach, 2 mushrooms, 1/4 onion, 2 TB of italian dressing, 1/8 cup of shredded mozzerella cheese
Snack: Protien bar
Snack: 20 ounce carmel latte w/ soy milk
Dinner: 1 spaghetti squash, 2 cans of artichoke hearts, olive oil, MRS. Dash italian seasoning.

I came home and Jimmy had cleaned the whole house yay! first time since I have moved in lol.

Where did it go????

2010-04-23T07:29:00.000-07:00

So, I lay here in bed. Reading weight loss blogs hoping somewhere I will find the motivation to get my arse up and do something like I don't know go for a walk or something. I weighed today and I am back down to 311 hopefully it stays that way! I went to bed after midnight I watched the movie Avatar. Came to bed and stayed up for a little bit longer playing my apps on facebook. Then I heard my stupid room mate talking to the girl that Jimmy had over last night (FYI I like her!). That was at 6Am so needless to say I slept very little last night and am tired, but not enough to take a nap! The girl Jimmy brought over won't be around long. How do I know this you ask? It's Jimmy duh! He is afraid of commitment he hates himself and therefore doesn't think he should make women have to deal with him. I am so smart lol! But, for now I will enjoy my time with this wonderful women and our attacks on my two room mates lol!

Lately there has been an AD on TV it starts with these people reading letters to themselves the first time I saw it I thought it was for weight loss surgery, but its for someone to quit smoking. I am 3 weeks with out a smoke. I do not smoke often, I am a social smoker IE I smoke when I drink. For some reason I just have to pair up smoking and drinking. I havent had a cigarette sober in about 2 years. Where was I? O yes the letter concept. I think it would be a great idea to write myself a letter but about weight loss.

Dear Jamie,
It has been a rough ride through this life for you. You haven't had the emotional tools to deal with it though.With a mother with manic depression a bipolar sister and a father who has never been shown love. There were not many role models to show you how to handle situations in the right way. You handled it the best way you knew how and that was through food. You cut for a while as a way to not eat through your feelings. But, that just left you with scars that people could see. Fat is something that people can just decide your lazy, they do not have to associate it with emotional and mental issues. But the scars you left on your body people are not that stupid.

The yo-yo dieting has worked wonders for you hasn't it? The lowest weight I remember you being at is 220 pounds in your adult life. Just for you to go back on your binging and gain it all back. Such a brillant plan. You never bother looking at the emotional and psychological reasons for your eating. I don't mean to sound harsh here Jamie, but look at your family histroy of diabetes, your father has had 6 mini strokes and 2 heart attacks. Your mother has many food allergies, and celiac disease which you know you have. Your gonna end up sick and with heart disease if you can't knock this shit off.

You tell yourself every time that this time is going to be different your gonna keep the weight off and for good. But, woman it hasn't happened yet. I honestly, think that this time is different though. You are working on the emotional part finally, finally realized the binge eating and the emotional eating is what has gotten you here and for that I am proud of you!
Sincerly,
Me

YAY!

2010-04-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

I have only been working out for a few weeks, but today I realized how much it has already benefited me. Picture my trying to get a 6 year old who is not potty trained to the bathroom. As, he does not want to go so he darts down the stairs, out the door, through the garage, down the hill, and to the trampoline. I was right on his tail the entire time. Would of caught him but I had to bother with shutting doors and such. But, the great thing is I was not out of breathe I was not grabbing my side in pain. I was not sweating. O and the entire time I was pulling up my pants because they are now loose.

I need to edit my menu.
I didnt have a protien bar for snack I was not hungry and I had zucchini with my sweet potato because my stupid room mate ate my large sweet potatoes so I had to add more substance.

Mindful Thinking

2010-04-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

The book covered how we go through our day and don't think of our body and how it reponds to the stimuli. There was an example I read that completly made sense to me. You go to the grocery store to pick up something healthy, you pick up a magazine while waiting in the check out stand line. You see a woman in the magazine who is relaxed eating chocoloate. As you wait in line you can smell the choloates that line the checkout aisle, and you decide to throw a few chocolate bars into your cart. While at home you turn on TV and turn on a new thriller. Due to the suspenseful scense you notice yourself getting tense. You start to crave chocolate and have a chocolate bar.
You walk through the day and your body sees and senses so many things you dont realize. You associate food with feelings rather then taking the time to calm yourself or work through whatever is in your mind. It is so much easier to eat your feleings away or distract yourself with TV or other things. We need to spend some time connecting with our body. Rather it be through meditation or just using our breathing to connect with our bodies.

Menu:
Breakfast: Slimfast w/soy milk (fyi strawberry is nasty!)
Snack: 1 imitation crab leg
Lunch: Taco meat on a bed of spinach
Snack: Protien Bar
Dinner: Sweet Potato, strawberries.

Exercise: 45 minutes of stability ball

Animals or Humans?

2010-04-21T17:48:00.000-07:00

The book today was interesting. It was talking about the buddhist way of eating. We all need to be aware of what we eat. Buddah states that we need to be mindful of what we eat in order to still have compassion in our hearts. The book also states that cattle eats 7x more grains then humans do. The book encourages the reader to go at least half vegetarian. Cattle shouldnt be the one processing our food we should. I understand the concept of going semi vegetarian chickens and cattle are responsible for 18% of the ammonia emissions in the world. I think for me to be able to do this I need to do more research in the protiens found in other things then meat. I know I need protien because I start to get really sick if I dont. It is even harder when I can not eat wheat.

The other day when I went on my six mile walk. I went to the library after 2.4 miles. I sat down on the bench because I got there a few minutes before the library opened. That was the first time in a long time I have walked that far. I was sweaty, but not out of breathe. I had my head down. A man came up to me and asked if I was OK. I told him I was fine. He said he saw me walking up Grand Ave. He just wanted to make sure. While I am glad that a stranger is geninuly concerned about someones well being. It upsets me that I can look like that after only a 2 mile walk. How I took it and have been mulling it over the last couple of days is that: An overwieght girl is walking and is sweating so automatically something is wrong when she is sitting down and sweaty. I am probally over reacting but that is how I feel about it. O ya I lost 1.2 pounds.

Menu:
Breakfast: slimfast w/ soy milk
Snack: Protien bar
Snack: Protien bar
Lunch: chicken marsalla w/rice 3 servings @ 160 calories each
Snack: Protien bar
Dinner: 1 sweet potato, 5 strawberries

Exercise: 25 minute walk, 50 crunches on ball

It has been a great day!

2010-04-20T18:39:00.001-07:00

I have had a great day. The morning shift went great. Lately, with the client I work with I feel like I havent been making much of a difference. I felt like I wasn't liked. His Mom was always comaparing his attitude he has with another therapist. I have been working with him less then a month so he is still testing the boundaries with me. This morning he was laughing and playing with me more then he has in the last month so it made me feel so good.

After my shift, I came home cleaned the kitchen and read Savor and worked on my blanket. I made lunch and took a nap. OOOO that nap was heaven so needed. I have not been sleeping well. I have been having a lot of dreams lately that I either wake up in the middle of the night or super early.

Yesterday, I meant to put something into my blog that I did not have a chance too I thought you had enough to read. It is a mission statement so I am going to put it here today and then share with you what I read today.

My Mission Staement for Healthy Weight and Well- Being
Through being more mindful and paying better attention to my health and well-being. I will lose 25 pounds by: June 13, 2011, and keep it off over the following year and beyond.
Beginning Goals, 4/20/2010
- I will practice some level of mindfulness every day with a goal of increasing the amound every week.
- I will walk at least 5,000 steps or half an hour every day, and slowly increase this each week until I reach 1 hour per day.
-I will buy more fruits and veggies. ( I buy plenty of veggies I need to buy more fruits.)
- I will not buy any sugary sodas. ( I do not buy soda, but I will not buy anymore latte's)
What the book talked about today was that we need to be mindful of when and what we are eating. Our society spends to much time running around and we have taken to eating prepackaged food and not paying attention to what we are actually eating and appericate it. They say when you eat do not read, do not watch TV, do not sit in front of the computer. Pay attention to what you are eating, spend the time to chew each bite at least 25-30 times. Contemplate the tastes that are in your mouth. Take the time to apperiacte the time and energy that went into each individual part of the meal.
I am really enjoying this book, it is adding a lot of insight into why and what we are eating and to be mindful of what we are doing.

Breakfast:
Slim fast w/soy milk
Snack:
Protien Bar
Lunch: 1sm sweet potato, 1 sm russet potato, 1 zucchini, 2 mushrooms, 3oz pork
Snack: 1 bag of cheetos
Dinner: 1 sweet potato

Activity:
40 minute stability ball

Savor

2010-04-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

I finished the book Eat That Frog. I am not going to make you sit through the rest of it. I do not think you want to sit through all the negativity. A while ago, Lyn suggested a book called: Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life By: Thich Nhat Hanh and Dr. Lilian Cheung. I decided last week that I wanted to check it out. So I checked it out from the library I just got it today.

I can tell you that I did not want to put it down. The first four chapters is the Buddhist perspective on weight control. On page 15 there is a story that he tells that I really liked. It goes like this: There is a horse galloing quickly, and it appeaers that the rider is urgently heading somewhere important. A bystander along the road calls out "Where are you going?" and the rider replies, "I don't know! Ask the horse!" I think that this story hits the nail on the head we are riding the horse called life but we don't know where we are going.

There are Four Noble Truths that Buddha offered. The First Noble Truth is that all of have suffering in our lives. The Second Noble Truth is that we can identify the causes of our sufferings. The Third Noble Truth is that we can put an end to our suffering and that healing is possible.

Now lets look at these truths through weight loss. The First Noble Truth: Being Overwieght or Obese is Suffering. We all know this. We all suffer through being overwieght. For me its harder because I work with kids. Kids who are autistic bolt they don't understand that they need to tell adults they are ready to go. Have you tried being 315 pounds and running after a 7 year old boy who just wants to go home? It is embarrassing and knocks the wind right outta me.

The Second Noble Truth: You Can Identify the Roots of Your Weight Problem. We all know one reason or another why we are fat. One thing that I knew, but to read the acutal numbers he said during this was our parents. Having one parent that is overweight a child is twice as likely to become overweight. Two parents who are overweight further increase that risk. Rather it be nuture or nature its a fact. We all know that as adults us being overweight is due to to much eating and not enough working out.

The Third Noble Truth: Reaching a Healthy Weight Is Possible. It is possible for us to reach a healthy weight and in order to do so we need to be mindful in our eating, and our exercise.

Menu:
Breakfast: 2 eggs, mushroom, crab, onion, spinach
Snack: 20 oz coffee with SF hazelnut 2 TBS of half and half
Lunch: 1 sweet potato, 3oz steak, 1 cup of green beans, 1 mushroom
Snack: 1 large seasoned Culvers Green beans ( ick! it was in a 1/4 cup of butter.) 1 scoop of ice cream with strawberry topping.
Dinner: 1 tamale pie (organic and wheat free and frozen)

Exercise: I walked 6 miles today. Meant to be 4.8 but I got lost. 986 calories burned.
I will leave you with this:
Enlightenment, peace, and joy will not be granted by someone else.
The well is within us,
And if we dig deeply in the present moment, The water will spring forth.
T.N. Hanh

Just a lazy Sunday

2010-04-18T15:08:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. After Walter went to church I did my stability ball work out, I worked out for almost an hour the work out ball with the express work outs infuses cardio in it. I was pouring sweat. I realized that with my wheat intolerance it affects when my time of the month comes. If I am eating wheat it doesnt appear, but if I eat like im supposed to after a couple of months it all comes back to order. I guess its a blessing in disguise. I also learned today that Celiac or wheat intolerance can cause infertiality issues. All the more reason to be better with my eating habits.

I had a really bad dream last night and I woke up about 6am screaming and thrashing around. I was at my old highschool not sure why but it was full of kids, and all my old teachers. I saw these wet foot prints show up and disappear I followed them and then I heard kids screaming and a kid disappear I got the principal to evacuate the kids.

However, the principal said we had to double check to make sure all the kids were out so I picked 3 others to help me clear the school and when we went to leave there 2 little girls who were in the middle of a custody battle and one wanted to go with her mom but it wasn't her day so the parents started fighting and the little girl took off. I ran off to go get her and on my way back I heard everyone scream and the thing had gotten one of the teachers. I returned the little girl to her dad and on my way back to my car I felt something grab my foot and I was getting pulled. I woke up in mid pull but the only thing on me that was wet and sweaty was my ankle that was grabbed in the dream.

Menu:

Breakfast: 2 eggs with 1/2 cup spinach, 1 green onion, 2 mushrooms, 1 oz crab meat
Snack: Protien bar
Lunch: 1/2 cup of spinach with 1 can of tuna, 2 TB of mayo, 1 TB of mustard, 1 green onion, 1 mushroom, 1 dill pickle
Snack: protien bar
Snack: 1 cheese stick
Dinner: Twice baked sweet potato, 3 oz of chicken in chili sauce, 1 cup of broccoli.
My twice backed sweet potato recipe is:
1/4 cup of milk
1/2 tablespoon of butter
chili powder
hot shot (red pepper flakes, and black pepper)
1 clove of garlic grated
salt
1/8 of cup of sugar free maple syrup
Bake potato in oven at 375 degrees until soft (45-50 minutes). Let rest 5 minutes while it resting bring milk and butter with seasoning to a boil then add the maple syrup. Slice potato in half and hallow out be careful not to ruin the skin. add the chili mixture to the smashed potatoes and whip. fill the skins and put back into oven until the top is browned.
I put cornstarch into the mixture and added to a pan of browned chicken for a sauce.

Shoe In Soles

2010-04-17T18:28:00.001-07:00

I worked this morning. After work I went to walmart and picked up an arm band for my mp3 player. Then I went to the Good Feet store and got inserts for my shoes. I was having really bad problems with pain and my feet feeling like they are on fire as I walk. I went in and walked out with 580 dollars broker. But, in the hour I was there my knees, feet, and hips felt so much better. I came home and went for a half hour walk and my feet didn't feel like they were on fire they felt like I was walking on hot concrete, and the pain was not nearly as bad as normal. She took a print of how I step down and where my weight is put. The darker spots is where I experience pain. I walk on my toes which explains the tingly feeling in the balls of my feet. That is where the nerves are in your feet and too much pressure and it inflames the nerves which causes them to inflame.

Menu:
Breakfast: 2 slim fast shakes w/ soy milk
Snack: protien bar
Lunch: Sub way salad with spinach, sweet onion teryaki chicken, slice of provolone cheese, slice of pepper jack, green peppers, onions, olives, cucumbers.1/2 package of apples.
Snack: 1 oz crab meat
Dinner: italian hot sausauge, onion, 2 zucchinis, 4 mushrooms, 2 mozzerella sticks, can of diced tomatoes.
Work out:
hour hour walk ( Mile and half)

Eat That Frog pt 2

2010-04-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

I can happily tell you that there will only be 3 parts to this series this is not one of my favorite books. I think what throws me off with this small book is that its written towards business people and not for life in general. I do not have multiple tasks at work, nor do i have a sequence to which things should be done. SO this book throws me off that it is written in that direction. One thing though that got me was talking about people procrasinating because they feel inadequate. I think thats why I stall on working out I feel like I am never going to get anywhere. Especially today after yesterdays foot pain. 5 minutes into walking I wanted to cry I managed to get 15 minutes in before I gave up in defeat. I am going to a store tomorrow after work on the way home. They sell insoles and they are feet specialist. I am thinking my arches are falling and I need better support. I am the only one to blame for this after years of going bare foot and wearing flip flops. But I have deformed toenails (they are to wide for my baby toe) so unless I keep my toe nail cut off and completly down to nothing shoes hurt my feet. I think my room mate is either gone or sleeping so maybe I will take my exercise ball to the living room and do the work out dvd it came with for my days work out.
Menu:
B: 2 servings of slim fast shake w/ soy milk
S: protien bar
L: tilapia served over spinach with green onion and balsamic vingeratte
S: protien bar
D: sweet potato, chicken, broccoli

EAT THAT FROG

2010-04-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

I started a new book called Eat That Frog! By: Brian Tracy. It is 21 ways to stop procrastinating. Funny thing is I was procrastinating on reading the book. It is almost due at the library so now I have to get in gear and stop the stalling. The first exercise is to write a list of ten things I would like to accomplish this year. But, to write them in pretense like I have accomplished them.
1. I weigh 230 pounds
2. I have more friends
3. I have love in my life
4. I make good money
5. I am organized
6. I am healthy in my eating
7. I work out every day
8. I have visited my mom
9. I love myself
I think that is the only goals I can think of right now. So now I need to put them in order of importance.
1. I eat healthy
2. I work out every day
3. I weight 230 pounds
4. I have more friends.
5. I have love in my life.
6. I make good money.
7. I am organized
8.I love myself
9. I have visited my mom
I know it seems wierd that I love myself is so low down on my list, however, I feel like the other things need to happen first before I can accomplish that goal. The book also says to play your days your weeks and months. To have goals lists for each of them. It follows the the 10/90 play 10% planning will save 90% of your time. I am not going to put you through my daily schedule I have a planning book I use for work so I will fit in the times to work out. If its on my calendar I will do it.

*Edit* I worked out: 3 sets of 15 crunches
3 sets of 15 squats
3 sets of 15 triceps
15 minutes of walking I need to get better shoes my arch hurts really bad when I walk.
Menu:
2 servings of slim fast
Snack: protien bar
Lunch: 2 eggs w/cup of spinach, 1/4c. grated cheese
Snack: Protien bar
Dinner: shrimp with bok choy

I am offically a slacker

2010-04-14T10:29:00.000-07:00

How Ironic is it that I am procrasinating reading my 21 ways to stop procrasinating? I am crazy lol. I bought a new mp3 player and downloaded a bunch of Couch to 5K program with voice prompts. I have decided that this is my new program start running. I am excited I scoped out a track that is near by so I dont have to run the hills around my house. But, I either have to get up at the crack of dawn to go running or wait til after work. I weighed in and for a second week in a row I have not lost any weight. I know why. Last night I made home made jalapeno poppers. Stuffed Jalepanos with cream cheese and wrap in low sodium bacon. Well apparently I did not do well in getting the seeds out and had burned my mouth pretty bad so I ate bread which makes me gain weight pretty fast because my body doesnt know what to do with it. I started drinking Slim Fast in the morning and eating Slim fast bars for snacks with veggies and lean protien for lunch and dinner. I have to go to work now just thought I would check in with you guys.

People are like ......

2010-04-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

So last night I got an instant message from someone who normally I can't stand. While in the chat room I go into (BBW 9) he makes fun of fat women. Goes really below the belt to the point where I know he has made a few cry. We started talking in the room he was being social and he asked me what I did for work. Apparently he gained respect for me after I told him I worked with autistic kids. He instant messaged to me to apologize for picking on me and he was going to stop. We discussed the fact that he was once picked on by a lot of the people in the room and he was just retaliating. He was shocked I would give him time of day. I think the reason is that everyone has a side they choose not to show the rest of the world. I think everyone should be given the chance to show others that side.

This decision has gotten some of my friends mad at me that I would forgive someone like that. But, my decisions are my decisions it doesn't mean I am going to start attacking people in the room or make the same choices that the said person is making. I also refuse to choose sides. If someone decides to be nice to me and show me their real side who am I to say that you are not good enough to show me that? I think that people just need to grow up and stop attacking those who they do not know. Everyone has their different opinion and just because others do not agree that does not give you reason to attack them.

I know I know

2010-04-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile I know. I heard on the radio something that really bothered me. There was a study that says that women who have body piercings are more likely to have low self esteem, they drink, smoke, and do drugs. They are also more likely to have a bad relationship with their fathers. That really irritated me. I have my nose pierced, had my tongue pierced, and have multiple tattoos. I also have 3 holes in each of my ears. Some of the prior description does fit me. However, to say that all those that have body piercings fit those characteristics really bothers me. To me that is saying that if you don't have piercings you don't have those characteristics I know some non inked or pierced people who are way worse off in the low self esteem department then I am.

It really makes me mad that people can just decide that off a small amount of people who are surveyed. There is nothing about my piercings or tattoos that are done to make me look better. I get them done because I enjoy them I like how they look. They are not done because I have low self esteem. Bottom Line I enjoy my ink and my tats and will continue to get them because I like them not because I feel like my body needs improvement in that manner.

Menus and life lately

2010-03-29T17:17:00.001-07:00

I forgot to put in Sundays Menu so here it is:
Breakfast:
4 eggs
1 sausage
1/4 bell pepper
2 tbs of onion
1/4 C of mushroom

Lunch:
1 pork chop
Broccoli (1/4 bag)

Dinner:
Moo Goo Gai Pan (home made)

Monday:
Breakfast:
same as yesterday but 2 sausages
Lunch
Subway seafood salad on a bed of mixed iceburg and spinach with bell peppers, onion, pickles, olives
Dinner:
Pork chop marinated in ginger and soy sauce with garlic and tossed in cornstarch for crust
Broccoli and Cauliflower

I have been working a lot of hours and have been so exhausted. But working a lot is making me feel so accomplished and proud of the work I do. There was a blog that I read the other day that talks about asking yourself why you are fat? I think I have discussed this in prior blogs. But, she was stating that once you can't think of any excuses then you are ready to keep loosing the weight and keep it off. I have been staying on my diet, but I keep bouncing between 315 and 311 this week. I know I am not working out like I should be but the 10-12 hour days is tiring. I have been walking and playing hard with the kids so its not like I am sitting on my ass all day.

menus and why

2010-03-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

I am going to start writing my menu down for the day here. Because then I am accountable for what I eat. SO before anyone comments on my lack of bread I am gluten intolerant. Today I did not get up very early before work so it was a quick breakfast.
Breakfast:
4 fried eggs

Lunch:
4 Sausage
4 slices of Colby Jack Cheese

Dinner:
I made low carb meatloaf patties containing:
1/4 ground beef
1/4 ground sausage
half a bell pepper ( diced)
half a grated onion
1/4 bag of pork rinds
2 TBs of ketchup
2 grated mushrooms
1 egg

Mashed Cauliflower with grated cheese

Drinks
125 ounces of water
20 ounces of coffee w/ 1 tablespoon of splenda and half and half

Today has been a very tiring day it has been a long week. Yesterday I worked 13 hours and today I had to get up and work again. Yesterday I got home at 8:30 I just wanted to eat dinner. I went to the store and got fish sticks. I know not healthy, but I could of done worse. I have been still working on my blanket. I still haven't really gotten out of my funk quite yet, but I am working on it.

The Small Stuff

2010-03-25T17:29:00.000-07:00

I think that this song explains a lot of how I am facing life right now. I am so focused on the small stuff then something big happens and I realize I have been focusing on the small stuff. With out love you don't have much in life. I think with me moving to Wisconsin I was very lucky to find the room mate that I found. I found him on Craigslist. I was so lucky. He turned out to be one of my best friends. We sit and talk all night long about everything. I can't just sit around and think about what if's. There is not much time in life for what ifs. I need to take charge and get through life. Whether or not Jimmy is the one for me... hes admitted he has feelings for me. I need to cherish the relationship that fate has given me with him and let it go where it goes. I need to remember the problems I have a lot of them are just a grain of sand. I watch my families I work with who some have more then one kid with autism and I realize how lucky I am so far compared to that my adult life has been pretty simple.

Weigh In

2010-03-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

I decided it was time for some pampering! I cut and dyed my hair. I lost 10 pounds this week woohoo! I bought a new cool water bottle. Decided it was time to be nice to myself. I have been working on a crocheted blanket. I figure I need sumtin to pass my time other then eating.

Precious

2010-03-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched Precious. It was so hard to watch because it reminds me so much of my past. The flying things at the head, the sexual abuse. I got lucky though because while I might of been subject to physical, emotional, and sexual abuse the latter was not done by my father. I also was lucky in the fact that my parents did love me enough to make sure my schooling was in tact and wanted me to be successful in life. Miara (sp) Carey played a social worker in this movie, I remember the scene where Precious told her that she couldn't handle this job, or her family. I completely understand where Precious was coming, you get a woman who is trying to get everyone to discuss their problems yet she can't sit through it. While she showed emotion she still looked weak. But, my point with the social worker is why doesn't that happen anymore? People go to get assistance and it is no longer talking about life its what is your expenses and your income OK here is your money. How is one suppose to change their life if they are not offered the help to over come the obstacles mentally that was given to them.

I think in the weight loss journey (well many journeys) that is a lot of people's problems. They try and fix the problem with out looking at the cause of the issue. They diet they finally get that food obsession out of their head yes its there quietly telling them to eat but it gets under control. And then your brain is left there with free time to think. So these mental demons come screaming and yelling at you that your not worth it, that your going to gain your weight back. People forget sometimes that we turn to food for more reasons then just because we are hungry. We turn to food as our support and our comfort. The problem is that we are not addressing the reason we turned to food in the first place. So, eventually unless these demons are taken care of during the journey eventually you are going to gain it back, because you are still turning to your friend Food.

THE LONG ROAD

2010-03-20T05:56:00.000-07:00

"Rise up and meet this day with courage and conviction, my friend. You’ve had a bumpy road of it up until now, but circumstances are about to change for the better. Why? Because you are going to change them. You’re going to buckle down and figure out some way to wrestle these disturbing and destructive demons to the ground. You’re going to start making some serious strides toward your goals and you’re going to start right away. There’s no time like the present, baby, and the present just pulled in front of your house right this second. Shift it into high gear and let’s finally get this party started for real. I’m tired of reading about your two-steps-forward, one-step-back tango… get going and show me, show us all, that you’ve got what it takes to make some magic happen. You know what you need to do, but apparently you needed somebody to give you a gentle nudge in the right direction. Here it comes: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET GOING ALREADY! Sorry to yell, but this stuff works me up like nobody’s business." Thanks Jack Sh*t I needed that today!
Its been a week where I have just been blah, not really depressed, but not in the best of spirits. I haven't been working out much. But, wait before you say anything. Here is my excuse (yes of course I have one. You think I would say that with out having one??) I work with kids 5 days a week. Have you ever played with kids for hours on end following them everywhere they go? Up and down stairs, playing soccer, lifting and spinning the kids up over your head? Wrestling? It wears one out. So if I am not smart enough to work out prior to work, I am exhausted and sore after work. I was off diet plan last week AGAIN and went back up to *21, I also think that it should of been my time of the month. I got all bloaty and crampy. I didn't blog because I didn't want to put such a huge number on my tracker. But, I am back down to *17 so maybe I can loose another 2 pounds this week and put it back where it was 2 weeks ago! It is nice out and the birds are chirping. I think a walk might just be in order. I really wish though that I had a music device so I could not walk it in silence!

The Fat Little Girl.

2010-03-11T06:17:00.000-08:00

There was once a little girl who had an older half sister, an older half brother, and a little sister. Even at an early age these siblings were thin while this little girl was chunky. From an early age she heard how fat she was and that no one would ever like her.
The little girls parents fought constantly making their children pick sides. See these parents did not have many friends so they turned to their children in order to justify their actions and vent to. What they didn't understand that while making their children choose sides they were putting up barriers with their children; causing their children to hate the other side. Now, oddly enough even the oldest children were forced to choose sides. You would think that they would choose their mother and not their step father, but oddly enough the brother went to the dad's while the sister went to the mom's side.
While the older children were back and forth from their father's house. The younger two were forced to deal with the yelling matches on a daily basis. The only break was when they went to the babysitters. These babysitters were wonderful the older couple were awesome with a big back yard who spent time with each of the children showing their love and appreciation and making sure everyone got one on one time. But, then came that evil child who was a biter. Then they had to depart to another babysitter. Who had so many children in her care that it was all she could do from screaming at them and putting them in the corner every day.
It was at that babysitter's that the little girl was tormented for being fat. The babysitter's sons were constantly telling the little girl how fat she was in 1st grade this is not a good thing. Then the little girl's sister over heard and she started it at home. At about this time the older brother moved into the house permanently.
The situation at home was the mother was very ill because of her asthma she was on steroids in order to prevent attacks. The mother was one of 17 children who was abused mentally and physically as a child. She had many mental demons that she had not taken care of from early on in life and felt the need to over control her children. The mother had decided at one point it would be a great idea to rip her children from their home and take them to their aunts. The little girl was never quite sure why her mother had left her father yet she had to go. She was so mad though that her mother would take her from her daddy. Her daddy was the only one who understood her. He loved her while her mother only loved her younger sister.
Why, would her mother take her? She constantly yelled at her, hit her. As a second grader it was hard to know already at that young age that her sister was preferred over her. The separation only lasted a few days.
While this family lived in the country with not many children surrounding them. The little girl had a best friend. Danny was the best friend anyone could have, he played all the time at the house. Danny had his own demons at home with a father who was an alcoholic. He never quite understood what the little girl's issue was with at home. At least her dad wasn't beating her. But, what Danny did not know was that her brother was allowing his friends to take bath's with her, forcing her to give them oral sex and basically have their way with her minus actually having sex. He always stopped it there it was too far he would say.
This little girl was tormented at home; with a mother who preferred her younger sister, a brother who was allowing horrible things to happen to his sister, the only break was Danny and her father who tried to show his daughter love. However, the father was mentally abused as a child and it was really hard to show his children love in a proper manner and always chose sarcastic humor to show it. This was the major problem between the parents. The mom always thought she was being mentally abused which caused even more fighting.
School wasn't much of a better situation the little children were constantly making fun of the little girl telling her how much she looked like a fat little boy with her short hair. She tried so hard to make friends, she had her few friends sure, but nothing to significant. Then Danny moved away in fifth grade and she was on her own, with defending the older boys at home from touching her.
One day in the fifth grade, the little girl and her sister get off the bus and find her mother and aunt in the car with it packed they were told to get into the car. The question of where are we going was asked and was told that they were going on a trip. Now, this was just weird for the little girl Dad would never stay home on a vacation. She got really upset and started crying she knew something was wrong. However, she got into the car crying wanting her daddy. They drove for hours and finally stopped at a hotel while still being told their dad was going to meet them at their destination.
Half way through Utah the little girl was told that her mother was leaving her father. The reason; the little girl was too angry and out of control. Something had to be done! They were going to their aunts in Texas so she could get the little girl under control. They got to their aunts who was very nice but very strict. She told the mother she didn't understand why she thought the little girl was out of control she seemed so calm. See what the mother didn't understand was that it wasn't the little girl out of control. It was the mother who did not know how discipline with love and care. She lost her temper which in control made the little girl get very mad and feel so unloved.
Mean while the little girls father hired a private dectitive. See, one of the mothers friends felt bad about what was happening. I mean to watch a father of 2 come home find his house empty at 3 am and a note on the kitchen counter. It was really hard and she finally gave in and told him where the wife was. So, the father filed for temproarily custody. Winning it the mother was passed the on the message that if she was caught out of state with the children she would be arrested for kidnapping. When she realized that the father knew where they were she went to a women's shelter where she lied and told them that the father of her children was abusive and hit her. What she did not realize was that her oldest daughter who loved her father more then anything was standing in the door way hearing the lies. Of course the little girl just got angrier and angrier.
They stayed at the shelter for a few weeks and the children got enrolled in school. But, then the mother heard that she was on the run from the law. She took her kids and got on a bus and went back to Oregon. They stayed with one of her nephews and then went to a shelter there. The little girls father showed up on a rainy Halloween night. She was so ecstatic she got her father again. The parents stayed separated until around the Christmas holidays when the mother returned home. The entire family was put into counseling. The little girl was told that her anger issues was not with her mother but with herself. She was angry for being fat and had no self esteem and was put on a diet by the counselor.
The little girl refused to go back to the counselor but became angrier. Physical fights started between her and her mother. Bruises were left on the little girl one day. It was that day that her father finally stood up and told her mother that she was not allowed to lay a hand on his children again. If spankings were in order they were to wait until he got home. See the problem with that was that the mother would just loose her temper and a lot of times the father did not agree with what the mother thought. O this little girl thought she could do no wrong now. Her resentment toward her mother just grew and grew.
In high school, this girl was finally starting to make good friends. Parents were split up again. But she had friends she could turn to. While she still faced her demons from her childhood and her low self esteem she tried to hide it as best she could. But, then she learned the pleasure of pain. Pain made all the anger go away. The lack of control, the anger it disappeared for a few minutes. She started cutting. Knives, razor blades, or if she was at school she would have her friend bite her. That was the thing with her group they all understood.
The parents got back together and the fighting resumed between the mother and daughter and the father and mother. The girl just kept cutting no one knew what was going on. She was smart and did it where she wouldn't be caught. But, then came that TV movie about cutting where the girl on the movie almost died because she cut too deep. It was at this time that the girl decided that she needed to tell her parents.
The only other person who knew was this guy in Utah who she accidentally started messaging with. It was fate that brought them together. To this day that man does not realize that with out him the little girl would of probably killed herself or ended off in a way worse situation then she is now. While, the mother just told her to stop and that she was just trying to get attention the father realized that something was seriously wrong with his daughter. He got her into emergency counseling and found a permanent counselor. The girl went for a year or so.
This girl while now a woman still has issues with self esteem and thinking she is worthless. Now, has a some what stable relationship with her mother. Once the mother remarried and moved out they were able to recognize that they were both wrong while the little girl was growing up. The father and daughter are still very close, there is a small wedge with the new step mother, but they both manage to over come it. The girl finds men who just give her attention as a good thing what else can she expect she after all is a fat unhappy woman. The cutting has stopped for the most part of course there are slip ups. But, over all the woman is working on being happy and trying to make life a better place.

Weigh in

2010-03-10T05:41:00.000-08:00

I gained .4 pounds since last weigh in, but looking at my week I am not surprised. I wanted to say I was OK, but I am not OK with that. However, I do understand it. I will move on this week and do my healthy eating and lots and lots of water. I will work out. That also hindered my working out last week. I went walking in the wrong shoes and ended up with huge blisters on my feet that also popped in the same walk. It hurt to just stand let alone work out. So I will take the *14.4 and will make it next week to a lower number! I found the quote above with the translation of:
Have you ever felt butterflies in your stomach before a big presentation? If you have, then you know that the stomach listens to the brain. When a person continuously stimulates their mind and exercises their body, they will find that they are better equipped to handle any hurdles that arise. There are a number of exercises that you can use on a daily basis to stimulate your mind. For example, you may keep a journal, put a puzzle together, or listen to jazz music without lyrics. Most people know that exercising the body is an important part of a healthy lifestyle. There are many small activities that you can do everyday to get your body moving.
This is the truth the days that I give myself time to meditate or do yoga and work out I have such a great day at work feel so much more at ease with the decisions I make and the actions I am doing. Speaking of which I am going to go do this now.

I AM WORTH IT!

2010-03-08T05:01:00.000-08:00

"I want to be fat - because then I don't have to face the world. I want to hide on my couch eating and watching TV because it makes all the ugly feelings go away and me feel comfortable (at least until the regretting part kicks in) I want to keep my eight, because then nobody expects anything from me - not my friends, not people at work. I have an excuse to not go out to bars/clubs/wherever where I have to be present and are being looked at. I want to be the fat, grumpy, depressed girl in the corner, because people leave me alone and don't come up and talk to me. I want to be fat - because then I have an excuse for not finding a partner... I want to be fat because then I won't feel exposed to the world." ~ Jules
This was posted on a WL blog by a wonderful woman named Lyn who I have been following on and off the last couple of years. I got shivers when I read that comment on Lyn's blog. I realized that is exactly how I am feeling. Yesterday I get on the scale for the first time since Wed. I was down another 4 pounds!! Sweet. What do I do I start eating on plan and then I completely go off get cookies, and candy bars. WTH is wrong with me? I realized I am back to my self sabotage ways. This is the lowest weight I have been in a year. I should be ecstatic this work is working 18.4 pounds since February?? I should so excited. But, no it scares me like it always does. Loosing weight means a new life a new me. I realized this morning when I read that comment that I am so far away from my goal of loving myself the way I am now yet I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I need to keep up the good thoughts and realize that I am worth being healthy. Yesterday morning I was at *11 pounds and this morning I was at *16 pounds while I know its not logical to gain 5 pounds over night it is probably water weight due to the fact that I ate stuff that I am allergic to and am retaining water I am gonna get back on game plan drink my 100 ounces of water and lost of protein and veggies today!

Great day so far

2010-03-03T07:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday this guy I have been interested in asked me to be his girlfriend. He gets online every day to talk to me while he's at work, but today he didn't so of course the negative thoughts are in my head. I need to stop and breathe and realize he is working and possibly busy. On the other hand I have lost 2 pounds this week and that makes me happy 15 pounds since beginning of February. I started drinking lots of water like 100 ounces while it started becoming a lot of peeing and felt like forcing it I know it is good for me. I am still keeping up with the positive thinking. I have 2 new books on hold at the library that was recommended to me. So I will continue with the blogging on books as soon as I get them. Have a great day!

Healing The Fat from the Inside Out!

Fridays Weigh in

WHAT I OVER ATE!?!

Injury and medifast

The Weekend!

I am back!

Question for all of you out there in Blog Land

The good!

Yes, its been awhile

Excuses.

Empty Soul

gum pimples, house cleaning, and 2 days off

Today!

Swift kick in the ass please!

12 days on 1 day off 12 days on!

It has been awhile

CRIME!

Wow It has been a week!

There is a pattern!

C25k, Clothes, Grocery shopping

Scared

Weekly Weigh In

Rett Syndrome: Clint Black PSA

The Next Decade!

Biggest Loser Contestant Allegations

Obese women 4 times more likely to be single mothers!

Numbers

I FOUND THE WEIGHT LOSS SECERT

I THINK YOUR FAT ASS IS SEXY!

I Can!

CAN

OOO THE PAIN!

The weirdest interview!

I DESERVE....

This IS my Day!

GROSS MCDONALDS!

No internet and Curry Soup!

I Love My Self!

My Sunday!

I Can't Believe I Just Did That!!!!

Food and other Random stuff

I need a nap!

I Want to loose weight because...

My passion for cooking

It's Weigh In Day Already??

My First Award!

I have a question!

5k!

Quotes GALORE

I was kidnapped and forced to drink!

Weekly Weigh In

This Time Around...

The Changes O The Changes

What Iike about my body???

Lettuce wraps

Pictures

Collin Raye - She's With Me

Fad Diet BullSh*t. Hippie BullSh*t, Holistic BullSh*t

Weigh In

Stuffed Mushrooms!

A Little Less Talk And A Lot More Action

The World's Fastest Workout Video!!!

Crazy Diets

Ten Ways to Burn Calories

My Opiate laced milk!

Grocery Shopping YAY

Chocolate Cake Or Death

And the scale says....

Weekend Warrior and thoughts!

Bad couple of days.

Eat the Rainbow

Almond Vs. Soy Milk

Weigh In

A Boy Likes Me

Monday....

A Funk

Menu!

Where did it go????

YAY!

Mindful Thinking

Fad Diet BullSht. Hippie BullSht, Holistic BullSh*t